Dear Aunt Chelsea:
Please help me. I have a serious problem on my hands. "Frank" and I have been together for eighteen years. Before we were married, we were never physically intimate. Frank told me that he was very religious. It turned out that this was just a cover. After fifteen years of marriage and two beautiful children, Frank finally admitted to me that he is gay.
All those times I thought Frank was going to church, he was really sneaking over to a park on the other side of town to have sexual encounters with random strangers. The guilt of knowing that he was putting me at risk finally got to be too much for him, and he confessed everything about a year ago. He's stopped going to the park, although he sometimes goes out on dates with other men. We got tested for STDs, and thank God, all the tests came back negative.
Despite the good test results, Aunt Chelsea, our sex life has come to a complete standstill. We don't even sleep in the same bedroom anymore. Our sex life was never the greatest anyway. It always felt to me like it was more of a chore than a pleasure to Frank. In fact, I once asked him point-blank if he slept with me only because he wanted children. He didn't deny it.
I know that Frank loves me, but he simply isn't interested in me sexually.
Please don't suggest that we get a divorce. Our children are still young teenagers, and we both want to be there for them. Besides, I still love Frank. Our relationship may be more like brother and sister than husband and wife, but he's still my best friend. He's a wonderful father.
I could live with the "brother and sister" relationship except for one thing, Aunt Chelsea. I'm a healthy, attractive thirty-eight-year-old woman with a normal sex drive. I can't stand the thought of going sexless until my younger child graduates from college or longer. Even though I love Frank, I'm starting to resent feeling trapped in a sexless marriage.
There must be a way for Frank and I to both be satisfied in this marriage. Please suggest something.
Signed,
"Cynthia" in Wisconsin
Dear Cynthia,
First of all, don't feel alone. There are plenty of women who choose to stay with a gay spouse, for a variety of reasons. My mama always used to say, "Every time a bell rings, a deeply closeted gay man comes out to his spouse."
Yes, Cynthia, there are things you can do. I'm glad that Frank has been honest with you about his extramarital relationships and that you've both been tested. However, for him to be dating while you're sitting at home alone seems unfair.
If you haven't already done so, become familiar with the art of self-love. Many of us (especially women, and especially from certain religious backgrounds) have been taught to believe that masturbating is something dirty and sinful. Actually, it's quite normal, and nothing to be ashamed of. There are plenty of men and women who enjoy a great deal of sexual fulfillment all by themselves.
Go to your local bookstore, and you'll find shelves of books on the subject. Experiment with vibrators and sex toys. Really give yourself permission to find out what turns you on, Cynthia. Allow yourself to fantasize about anything, no matter how racy or taboo. Remember, no one has access to your sexual fantasies except you, so there's no reason to censor them.
On the other hand (pardon the pun), you may come to find out that you just can't get the same feeling of sexual satisfaction from self-love that you get from intimacy with a partner. As long as Frank doesn't object, why not see other people? After all, what's good for the gander is good for the goose. Just be wise and select your partners very carefully, both to safeguard your health and to protect your children.
I can tell from your letter, Cynthia, that you love your children. Please remember that you can never completely trust a new partner, no matter how wonderful he seems. Always supervise the new guy around your kids.
Some couples find the idea of an open marriage too lonely. If that's the case with you and Frank, then try polyamory. It's like having a monogamous relationship, but involves three (or more) committed people. Find a bisexual man who's interested in having a relationship with both of you. This way, you and Frank can both be sexually satisfied and emotionally connected. As an added bonus, after all three of you have been tested, you won't have to worry so much about STDs.
Good luck, Cynthia, and let me know how it works out for you. And remember, if you need help, you can always turn to your local PFLAG chapter.
Signed,
Aunt Chelsea
Six months later . . .
Dear Aunt Chelsea,
Thank you so much for answering my letter. Your advice has completely changed my life for the better.
I clipped your column and showed it to "Frank." He said that he didn't mind if I started seeing someone else. He was really excited by the idea of finding someone who was interested in both of us, though.
About eight months ago, Frank and I sat down and wrote an ad to post on the dating page of a local website. It explained what we were looking for: a guy who likes both men and women, would be interested in a polyamorous relationship with a married couple, and would respect the relationship that Frank and I have with the children.
At first, we had lousy luck in finding the right guy. Some of the guys we met with seemed much more interested in Frank than they did in me. Others were genuinely bisexual, but not interested in "settling down."
Then Frank had the idea of calling "Martin," a man he'd dated briefly a few years ago. Aunt Chelsea, Martin is the answer to our prayers.
We told the kids we were going on a "parents' night out," and met Martin at a restaurant. On that first date, I felt as nervous as a teenager. I was afraid he wouldn't like me.
To my surprise, Martin was kind and gracious as well as beautiful. He has graying blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes, the complete opposite of my black-haired, dark-complected Frank. When he first laid eyes on me, his face lit up in a smile. He shook my hand, then pulled me in for a kiss on the cheek. Then he gave me a bouquet of red roses.
The three of us spent much of that first night talking. Martin is a fascinating man, and a great listener.
Frank seemed to become a different person around Martin as well. I could tell he was smitten, but he was more attentive to me as well. I don't know whether he was jealous or turned on by watching another man pay me some attention.
By the end of the night, we felt so comfortable around Martin that physical intimacy seemed to come naturally, so we got a motel room. Martin is everything I could ever ask for from a lover, Aunt Chelsea. With Frank sitting by in a chair, watching, Martin helped me out of my clothes. He told me how much he liked my perfume. Then he kissed my whole body, from my lips to my neck to my breasts . . . my whole body. And when he was inside of me, I just started crying and I couldn't stop. I've never felt so loved or wanted before.
I'm surprised that my tears didn't scare Martin off. But they didn't. After Martin and I rested for a while, Frank came to bed with us. I never would have guessed that I'd be turned on by watching Frank with another man, but I was! Aunt Chelsea, I've never had so many orgasms in one night before.
Since that night, Frank and I have been seeing Martin on a regular basis. If the relationship continues to go well, Frank and I are thinking of asking Martin to move in once "Tina" (our youngest) goes off to school.
Thank you for your advice, Aunt Chelsea. I only wish I'd written to you years ago, instead of being miserable in my marriage. Frank and I are closer than ever now, and I can tell that the kids really appreciate it.
Signed,
"Cynthia" in Wisconsin
Dear Cynthia:
I'm glad that you and your husband found something that worked for you. I'm always happy to hear that my readers are sexually fulfilled, and I feel privileged to have had a hand in it (so to speak). Good luck to you, and to Frank and Martin!
I'd love to publish your second letter in my column, Cynthia, but I'm afraid it's a little risque for a family newspaper. I hope you won't be disappointed with this personal response. I wish you and your family well.
Signed,
Aunt Chelsea
Originally Published May 2007: Mmm