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The Thrill is Gone

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Dear Jordan,

I'm a 38-year-old woman and I've been dating a 58-year-old man for a year. It started out as a long distance relationship and we travelled back and forth to see each other about once a month. About four months ago I left my home and moved across the country to live with him. Since I moved in, he has gone from being one of the best lovers I have ever had to the worst. When we do have sex, he doesn't last more than two minutes and he doesn't put any effort into it whatsoever. It's almost like he's masturbating with me in place of his hand. I've broached the subject with him, expressed my dissatisfaction and have even bought him books on the subject. I have sacrificed a lot to be with him, but I don't know how to handle this problem. Any advice?

Help!

I Need Good Sex

Dear NGS,

This sounds like a classic case of "male hunter's disease." During the courting phase, the male makes every effort to woo the object of his desires by making great efforts in the bedroom to ensure her satisfaction. However, upon capturing his prey, he becomes lazy and ultimately disinterested in sex, aside from the completely selfish and perfunctory "cleaning of the pipes" from time to time.

You have done the right thing by voicing your dissatisfaction. Communication is the number one step in finding a solution to your unfortunate situation. However, it seems that your communication is falling on a flaccid package. Thus if having a satisfying sex life is absolutely important to you (and it should be!) you are going to have to take more drastic measures. Here are a few suggestions:

Ask him to attend sex therapy with you. This is a very loud cry for help on your part. You are expressing to him that this is important enough of an issue for you to want to seek professional help. Best case scenario, he agrees and you two can try to find out what is at the root of his sexual malfunction and work to come to a mutually acceptable remedy. Worst case scenario, he refuses to go but realizes that you are quite serious that this is a problem for you. Perhaps he will make an effort on his own to win back your affections.
Suggest that he get a Viagra prescription. This loss of interest could actually be a matter of his age. He is approaching 60 and this is a time when many men find that their sex drives diminish. Viagra may be a good solution for you. You can even ask your doctor for a free sample, and see if it reignites his desire. (If you aren't comfortable with Viagra, there are also natural alternatives.)
Masturbate. This certainly isn't the most gratifying solution, but many women (and men) in sexless relationships learn to satisfy themselves with creative masturbation. Buy some new toys, rent some porn, and treat yourself the way you wish to be treated by your partner. And maybe let him catch you in the act. Either he'll be turned on and join in, or he'll be turned off and you'll know his problem is bigger than you thought and it might be time to take even more drastic measures.
Discuss the possibility of an open relationship. Some couples stay together for reasons other than sex including financial security, emotional support and convenience. In these instances a sexually open relationship allows the individual to find sexual satisfaction outside of the couple. This is not the ideal solution for many people, especially if either of you are prone to jealousy or have a tendency to equate sex with love. But on the other hand if these aren't issues in your relationship, it may be a good solution for you. If he gives you his blessing for you to find sexual satisfaction elsewhere while maintaining a comfortable relationship with him at home, it may be a good compromise.
Hit the road. If all else fails, you may discover that this is ultimately not the right relationship for you. After all sexual compatibility is one of the four cornerstones of a solid relationship. You have a big decision to make here. Are you willing to live in a sexless relationship? Will this drive you to cheating and an ultimately VERY unhappy ending for everyone involved? You haven't been together long, you aren't married and don't have children with this man, so if you do decide to break it off, it will be painful but certainly doable.

The bottom line is you have a right to a healthy sex life. Feeling sexually attractive translates to confidence in other areas of your life. This is something no woman should live without.

Good luck!

Jordan