I consider myself a BDSM-curious girl.
I know I love spankings, and I've had a lot of fun being tied up. I prefer a man who "takes control" in the bedroom, and have played with hot wax. But beyond that I really am quite naïve about what the whole BDSM thing is all about, so when Jordan LaRousse approached me with a request to write a book review about a BDSM book, I was excited. This was to be quite honestly my first real quest for knowledge on the subject.
The book Sex-Kitten.Net Presents the BD/SM Issue is a 111 page, soft cover book, and a very easy read. Editor Gracie Passette, also editor of the website www.sex-kitten.net and a "sometimes submissive (but only in bed!)," brings together a compilation of 24 essays written by a handful of different authors. Many of the pieces have been previously published on the website, but Gracie assures us that "there are six new pieces written specifically for the book."
I found the introduction to be particularly informative and it is here where we learn that the emphasis of the book isn't a "how to" it's more of a "why or why not". The book includes essays written by individuals who are heavy into the lifestyle, those who are dabblers or who are curious, and those who are completely disinterested in BDSM and offer persuasive advice on why NOT to get involved. In this sense the book is perfect for the reader who, like me, is mostly just curious and wants to learn more about the lifestyle and decide whether or not she is ready to jump in and explore.
Gracie explains where the concept for the BDSM Issue comes from:
"BDSM is a theme that arises again & again at the website. In part, it
is so popular due to the many misunderstandings about BDSM. We wanted
to offer a print version for folks to be able to read in a more
comfortable, contemplative way."
It is also in the introduction where I finally found the clarification for what the heck BDSM the acronym actually stands for. Before this I had all these random words and acronyms in my head: D/s, B&D, S&M, Dom, sub...etc. I knew what these words meant but it was quite the epiphany for me when I discovered that BDSM actually encompasses all of the above. This is monumental in so many ways, because it sheds light on how this whole sexual culture is not just a description of one type of sexual behavior, but rather covers a range of behaviors so vast that they sometimes don't seem to belong under the same acronym. But they do. BDSM is a veritable rainbow of Domination and submission, Bondage, Sadomasochism - everything those subheadings stand for, plus some additional kinky fetishes that I'm not quite sure should have made the bill.
That said, as I read each of the essays I had the same feeling. It seemed that even though each contribution was supposedly discussing the same subject (i.e. BDSM), they were all touching on vastly different issues. This made for a very disjointed and often dizzying read.
Case in point: During one sitting I read "Confessions of a Female Spanko Sub" (p. 67) which I must say was my absolute favorite essay in the whole book. It was an interview between Gracie Passette and a sub named "Patty" who discussed the aspects of BDSM in her very intimate 27 year marriage! This essay got me all excited about the true possibilities of finding a healthy, ultra-sexual, D/s relationship. Patty takes the reader along the journey of her marriage where she and her husband turned a potentially very unhealthy relationship based on their repressed desires to spank and be spanked into one of the healthiest I've ever heard of. I finished the last paragraph feeling very enlightened and ready to seek my Dominant soul mate...
...then BAM I was hit over the head with "Sexual Experimentation Consequences" (p. 81), a rather depressing and incomplete feeling essay by contributor Tess Roberts. This essay talks about how introducing BDSM in the wrong relationship with a less than trustworthy man can have dire consequences (i.e. losing children in a custody battle). OK, so this is important information to know and perhaps Gracie knew what she was doing by placing it just after "Confessions," showing the contrast of a healthy vs. unhealthy BDSM relationship. But for me it caused mild vertigo. The mood swing was just too much to bear.
The rollercoaster continues with the next essay, "Interview with John Gordon, a practicing Dom" (p. 85) edited by Jewel Scott. One word for this interview: "sizzling". I have to say this really got my motor running. When John discusses the subject of erotic pain, saying "The pain usually includes cumming without touching the clit, just from squeezing, tugging and perhaps also twisting tugged nips," I about fainted in ecstasy. Now this is the type of man I want to find! John made it clear how much as a Dom he enjoys giving his "charming kittens" orgasms of the multiple kind. He says "When D/s works well, the sub entrusts herself totally, body and soul to Master. He systematically strips her of any remaining shred of control over anything...He already knows - or instinctively finds all those lil buttons of hers and presses hard enough to make her wild, delirious, crazier than crazy, make her O and O and O till she just can't stop..." By the end of this interview, I was wet and ready to go for my favorite vibrator. But I was working on a deadline and had to read on.
Oh I wish I had gone for my vibrator, I really do. Because what came next was a mood killer to say the least...I almost want to cry reliving this moment, as I turned to page 97 to read "A Fetish For Everyone" by The Libertine, and I found myself going from a world of multiple orgasms to a world of feces fetishes. I cringe as I quote, "One of the strangest (and disgusting) clients I ever saw was a dungeon regular called 'Pooty Bill'...The session consisted of him asking about my recent BM's i.e. what they looked like, how big they were, or what consistency the most recent one was and vice versa..."
Dear, dear Gracie, I began to cry, Why? Oh Why? Where is the editorial genius in this segue?
It is with this sense of emotional vertigo and the swings from enlightenment to depression to sexual excitement to repulsion that I just had to wonder, what really ties this book together? It seemed to me that BDSM is filled with concepts so eclectic that it almost can't be considered a theme. So I asked Gracie for a little clarification on what she thinks pulls this book together.
"Trust and honesty. Fundamentally, at many levels, BDSM is about trust:
Who do you trust? Who trusts you? Do you even trust yourself enough to
do this or that? And with this book, do you trust who is 'talking' to
you? None of us are doctors or professionals of that sort, we are women
(and a few men), who talk to you like your friends do (only in print, we
are interrupted less! lol), and that means we are honest about our
thoughts & feelings... Even the professional sex workers who work in the
areas of BDSM shared their thoughts on a personal level. Many of our
lovers were surprised to read our thoughts on this. They really had
never heard us articulate so well before, and were surprised, flattered
& excited to discover our secrets."
This response, "trust and honesty" really did tie it together for me, and I was finally able to see the real driving force behind the compilation. I reread the book with the mantra "trust and honesty" in mind, and found it to be a much more satisfying read.
The BDSM Issue can be purchased at the sex-kitten.net boutique!
Or buy it at Amazon.com starting at $9.68.
Originally published January 2006 - "Spanked!"