Dear Jordan,
You talk about putting a woman in touch with that "naughty, sexy side of herself." Can I ask if you have anything for women who have lost that naughty, sexy, but more importantly, that sensual self? I felt my sexuality leave me about six years ago aged 40 and it hasn't come back yet!!! - kids, work, life etc and I miss it! I miss that sensual self and often wonder if it will ever come back. I loved reading erotica, especially A.N Roquelaure and Laurell K Hamilton, but now it just feels icky to read it. Do you have any suggestions for dipping my toes into the water and finding myself again? By that, I mean something not too heavy, not too sweet but just in the middle?
Hoping for some help!
Dear Hoping,
It sounds like you aren't leaving enough time for yourself, as you mention that "kids, work and life" are getting in the way of you enjoying your sexuality. There are many things you can do to rediscover your sensuality and most of them focus on taking care of yourself. A healthy sensual life requires confidence, self-care, a willingness to explore yourself, and a healthy mind and body. It's important as you read these tips that you remember that you are working on rediscovering your sensuality for yourself. It is important for you, as a woman, to create and explore your own sexuality, totally separate from your partner's - only then will your sexual self be truly yours. If you have a partner (or want one) he or she will be very pleased with the results of your efforts, but that's just a bonus!
See your doctor - If you are ill, no amount of personal care will revive your sex drive. So see your doctor and get a full check up to rule out any physical ailments. Depression and other mental illnesses can also have a serious impact on your sex drive. If you believe you may be suffering from depression, check with your physician.
Change of life - Many women in their forties begin to go through perimenopause, which can have a negative impact on their sex drives. However, it doesn't have to spell the end of your sensual life. In fact, many women get through these phases and enjoy better sex and sensuality than they ever did before. The tips here can help you to reverse some of the effects of perimenopause and enjoy a sex drive well past menopause.
Diet - a diet full of fresh fruit, vegetables and whole grains will promote a healthy body, and only a healthy body can live a truly sensual lifestyle. You will feel better, you will look better, and your sexual appetite will benefit. Don't forget to take your vitamins including calcium, Omega-3 fatty acids (excellent for mental health too), and a daily multivitamin.
Exercise - not only does working out keep your body healthy strong and sexy, but it also increases your energy levels and boosts your confidence. Without energy and confidence, your sensual self won't be able to function properly. Make sure you are getting at least 30 minutes of physical activity per day and consider adding weight training into your exercise regime. Working with weights boosts your metabolism, defines your body, supports strong bones, and can promote better and easier orgasms.
A great way to instill a little sexiness into your exercise program is to take a striptease or burlesque dance class. Many cities have dance studios that offer these types of programs, and some cities have classes that come to you! Or you can purchase a video and learn striptease at home. If you're not ready for strip tease, take another form of sexy dance like Salsa!
Pamper Yourself - It's so much easier to feel sexy and sensual when you feel good. Indulge in occasional spa treatments including facials, massages, pedicures and manicures. Have your stylist change your hair. Get a bikini wax! All these little external tweaks do wonders for how we feel about our bodies and our sensual selves.
Look good - buy yourself some sexy lingerie, panties and bras. When you have some alone time at home (or maybe just locked in your bedroom), slip into your new under garments and put on a pair of high heels. Dab yourself with a sexy perfume (like Basic Instinct). Go about your chores (or cook yourself a delicious meal!) while wearing these sexy clothes and make sure to check yourself out in the mirror from time to time. Hot damn! Who is that sexy woman?
A romantic night for one - Be gentle with yourself. Think of how you would like to be treated by your lover, and then treat yourself that way. Relax and enjoy a night to yourself. Light some candles, eat some chocolate covered strawberries, and then slip into a nice bubble bath with a glass of champagne and a good book (try Aqua Erotica for great bath-time reading). Before you know it you may be having an orgasm.
Invest in some sex toys! - buy some new and exciting sex toys (it may be time to replace that old vibrator). A vibrating bullet does wonders for clitoral stimulation. Or go all out and invest in a multi-tasking vibrator like the rabbit. It's really exciting to get these discrete packages in the mail, take them into your bedroom and get to know yourself all over again.
Be your own voyeur - This is an exciting playtime adventure for one. Turn on your webcam and record yourself performing a striptease, or *gulp* masturbating with your new toys. Keep the video for yourself and watch it when you want to remember how sexy you are. (Or delete it right away! It's up to you.)
Good luck!
Jordan
Other Resources
A Woman's Guide To Reviving Sex Drive by Colette Bouchez.
Reclaiming Desire: 4 Keys to Finding Your Lost Libido
For Yourself : The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality
For Women Only: A Revolutionary Guide to Overcoming Sexual Dysfunction and Reclaiming Your Sex Life
Originally published December 2006 - "Oh, Oh, Oh!"