O&C Take Out

How to Make Monogamy Work

Tags: 2011 ,  Monogamy ,  Reader Input

Can Monogamy Work?

(Entwine, by Valery Bareta, available at ObsessionArt.com)

Dear Readers,

The question comes up again and again. Wherever we do book signings or talk to people about what we do, inevitably, this topic is raised.

Monogamy.

Much of science tells us we're not hardwired for it. And yet, it's the psychosocial norm for the majority of humans, and has been for thousands and thousands of years. The question is -- how do you make it work?

And that is the question this month! If you are monogamous, how do you make monogamy work? How much room do you give fantasy, and how does that work in your relationship? Do you think it's important to share everything sexually, or should you keep some things to yourself?

On the flip side, if you're not monogamous, how do you make that work?

Remember, all answers can be 100% anonymous, just use a fake name.
xoxo
Jordan and Samantha


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Originally published June 2011

Comments

• Casey Thompson
  6/17/2011 7:43:32 AM

  Monogamy can and has worked for thousands of years. In modern culture with so much access to so much temptation is has certainly become more difficult, and as are our societal morals evolve it may even become less common, but it can certainly be made to work. If a couple decides the traditional route of monogamy is for them I think there are three keys to success. First each partner must have a genuine interest and curiosity into the other. I don’t mean this in any sexual way, but the nature of our sexual relationships is a function of our day to day interactions. If your energy is focused on learning about and being part of your partners life it is less likely to be focused on the hot new coworker down the hall. Of course this is very easy in the beginning when everything is new and fresh, but the principle works throughout the life of a relationship. People grow and change with time and as such there is always something new to discover. You just need to be willing to keep looking. As cliché as it may sound the second piece of the puzzle is communication. Relationships are a lot of work, and if couples are not willing or able to communicate their wishes, wants, needs, and desires the relationship will eventually fail. Even more importantly each partner should feel free and safe enough to express their frustrations and concerns without fear of judgment or reprisal from their partner. It is also important to remember that communication is more than being able to say what you want, it is also the ability to hear what your partner is saying. You may not agree with them or even see their point, but acknowledging their viewpoints and feelings as valid, and doing something with the information is a critical step. If one partner feels “unheard” all the talking in the world will achieve little. While the first two points encompass the entire relationship the third is purely physical. Each partner is going to have sexual expectations and the other needs to be willing to, within reason, meet those expectations. I read an article the other day about a Muslim group that had started what they called “The Obedient Wives Club”. Now before you stop reading I think the concept as put into practice by this groups borders on insanity, but one point made by the group holds some merit. A leader of the group said that the wife needs to be a good “sex worker” for her husband. In more open minded terms I would agree that each partner should strive to provide the sexual experience the other is looking for. Within reason each partner should be willing to stretch their comfort zone somewhat to accommodate the others needs, fantasies etc. Nobody should be forced to do anything they don’t want to, but in a relationship based on trust and mutual respect asking one partner to step beyond their comfort zone for the fulfillment of the other is not an extreme request. If each partner feels they are getting what they want sexually the need to stray will be lessened. For monogamy to work both partners must want it then be willing to put in the work to make it happen, but even is this modern world it can still be done. www.caseythompson.wordpress.com

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