The Root of Our Discomfort
Sex Advice from Dr. Dick
Name: Maya
Age: 28
Location: UK
Hi there! I recently found out that my brother in law is gay. I wanted
to know what makes people gay? Is it choice, genes, hormones, etc?
Please clarify because his condition and opposition to his choice of
sexuality has made him depressed and he’s on antidepressants and not
very healthy. Please answer.
Back in 2007 Solon.com featured a little piece called: Don’t Ask the Sexperts in their annual sex issue: State of the Sexual Union.
Slate asked seven people who earn their livings thinking and writing
about sex, what they’ve never been able to figure out about sex or
sexuality.
One of the contributors was Dr. Ruth Westheimer. She’s the author of
31 books about sex and relationships. This what she said still remained
a mystery to her.
“I’m sure there are many, but one nagging one is what
causes homosexuality. I admit, I am curious—but the real importance in
getting to the bottom of this question is that the answer would be
helpful to the homosexual community. I suspect that the cause is
genetic, which would mean all those people who say that gays and
lesbians can change to become heterosexual would have to sing another
tune. Instead of trying to “fix” a situation that doesn’t require
fixing, they would have to learn to accept homosexuals. But I am not a
scientist, so I can’t set about finding out the etiology, the cause of
homosexuality. All I can do is act as a cheerleader to encourage
scientists to come up with the answer.”
I was astounded when I read Dr Ruth’s comment. Here is one of the
most popular names in the field of human sexuality saying such a
startling thing. It’s not that she misrepresented the state of
scientific inquiry into the issue of sexual orientation. What she said
is true. We don’t precisely know what “causes” homosexuality, but more
importantly…and this is what she leaves out…we haven’t a clue what
“causes” any sexual orientation — straight, gay, bi, what have you.
What troubled me so about Dr Ruth’s comment is that, perhaps
inadvertently, she perpetuates the myth that homosexuality (as opposed
to say heterosexuality) has a cause. And when she uses the word
“cause”, she denotes to her audience that there’s a cure. All I want to
say is that if there’s a “cause” for homosexuality, there is certainly a
“cause” for heterosexuality. If there would ever be a “cure” for
homosexuality, there would certainly then be a “cure” for
heterosexuality.
Do you see how obvious and pervasive the prejudices of the dominant
culture are? I absolutely expected better from old Dr Ruth, don’t cha
know. It’s true that she goes on to say that she thinks the “cause” of
homosexuality is genetic, therefore us homos can’t change or be “fixed”.
She then suggests, if this IS the case, the dominant culture would
then simply have to learn how to accept homosexuals for how they are. I
went, HUH???
Dr Ruth, darling, do you honestly believe that if, or more properly,
when we discover the determining factors of sexual orientation — and I
do believe there are more than one — the sexual bigots among us won’t
militate to have the deviant orientations “fixed”? All I can say is to
think otherwise shows an alarming naivety about human nature.
When Dr Ruth, or anyone else for that matter, separates out one
sexual proclivity from all the others and suggests that it has a cause,
whatever it might be, the rest of us run for cover and wait for the
other shoe to drop. Imagine if instead of sexual orientation we were
speaking about racial or ethnic characteristics. What causes black
people? What causes Asian eyes to slant? What causes flat noses? What
causes nappy hair? What causes short people?
Well
you see where I’m going with this, right Maya? Questions like these
presuppose that there is a norm — tall white people with round eyes,
perky noses and straight hair. And you know what? There are a
multitude industries out there poised to prey upon all the short,
non-white people with almond eyes flat noses and nappy hair who feel
they must conform to any and all arbitrary and culturally induced norms
in order to be happy. It’s shocking.
So on to your brother’s case. If sexual orientation is chosen, why
would he have embraced a lifestyle that makes him sick and depressed?
It simply doesn’t add up. The self-hatred and internalized homophobia
that is at the root of your brother’s discomfort is culturally induced,
but it is also self-inflicted. We don’t know what “cause”
homosexuality, but I can tell you for certain what causes homophobia.
And that, my dear, is bigotry.
It’s up to your bother to fight this first within himself and then in the popular culture 
with
every ounce of his strength. Because that’s what all us well adjusted,
comfortable in our own skin queers do if we want to live happy healthy
integrated lives. None of us is waiting around for someone to tell us
what caused us to be the way we are, because we know that whatever
“caused” us caused all the other differences and variations that appear
in human kind.
And one final tip for you, Maya — despite your good intentions, the
more you indulge your brother’s pathologies and commiserate with him, or
wonder aloud with him why he is queer then you are part of the problem,
as opposed to being part of the solution. I encourage you to challenge
him to buck up and get right with himself. Help him throw off the yoke
of his shame and guilt, to own and embrace his uniqueness and celebrate
his sexuality, which is his norm.
Good luck!
Dr. Dick
Originally published January 2011