O&C Take Out

O&C Takeout - How do you Handle Sexual Rejection?

Tags: 2011 ,  O&C Take Out ,  Reader Input

Fun Sex Questions

How do you handle sexual rejection?

Share your sexpertise and comment (anonymously) below!

An attractive girlfriend of ours was recently sexually rejected by a long time object of her affection, and it sent her spiraling into a deep depression. Meanwhile a guy friend of ours has a hit and miss track record when it comes to getting girls, and it doesn't seem to faze him. Another friend has seen his sex life with his wife dwindle to nothing, and he's considering cheating.

What happens when the object of your sexual desire turns down your advances? Do you shrug it off and move on? Do you get angry? Get even? Does it hurt your ego? 

Tell us how YOU handle sexual rejection in this week's Take Out question.

Remember, all answers can be 100% anonymous, just use a fake name.
xoxo
Jordan and Samantha


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O&C Take Out is an exciting section created just for our readers. If you think of reading the delectable O&C stories as "eating in," then Take Out is a way for us to order out for opinions, comments and discussion from our readers. We hope it's informative, inspiring and fun! To engage in the conversation, simply submit a comment at the bottom of the article. We look forward to reading what our plethora of sophisticated readers have to say!

Originally published January 2011

Comments

• Alex Severn
  1/20/2011 11:25:37 AM

  Okay - because I am mostly very submissive (although do switch) at least in my fantasies, I want to give myself totally to a woman, body and soul. I need to feel her property I guess, do what she wants, just be hers to take and use, take anything she chooses to give me...........when I do that and she rejects me, even though I would beg and plead to be her slave, its tough to cope with. You feel that even surrendering to her, even submitting and trying to be her fantasy lover hasn't worked and where do you go from there? I had this powerful feeling recently and coming to terms with it was almost impossible but you have to go through it to learn from it. Still in my deepest dreams and fantasies I want to feel I can be what a woman wants every day, still want to submit and be hers. I think the psychology of domination and submiission is fascinating and I think unless I feel I am a slave, a submissive, I coudn't be truly happy, or be the real me. Maybe i was born to be a slave? But life doesn't always give you what you want does it!!??? Alex
• charlie
  1/20/2011 1:10:21 PM

  Sexual rejection, for guys at least, is a much more complex case for guys than girls. I would hope that most guys know that the rejection has many components especially if it's in a LTR. IT could be something the guy said, lack of an "emotional connection" feeling on the woman's part towards the guy, in some cases the guy's physique. The way I handle it is first and foremost is to examine the question "Is there an emotional connection present between myself and my partner?" Usually if you have known someone for sometime, you know what they like doing together as a couple. If you're not spending much time together, than the emotional connection will fail as does the sex. If you do spend time with her but the sexual connection continues to falter than a "heart to heart" talk is in order. Namely, perhaps it's better to end up as friends. If the rejection happens on the dance floor, I always see it as a temporary thing. Women have been known to change their minds depending on what they evaluate as attractive, how long they've been without a guy, what their girlfriends perceive you (note be sure and ask her girlfriends to dance!), there's are a million factors. charlie
• Hank
  1/20/2011 1:21:41 PM

  Having been happily married for 26 years, I haven't had that experience. That's why I say I'm 'happily married.' Before that, it happened, and I just went looking else where. I think your clocks have to be in sink and if they aren't you're not going to be happy.
• j brooke
  1/20/2011 1:35:26 PM

  Ah Ha, trying to figure out females, is like dying from a million delicious paper cuts. ALL I know is that amazing females appreciate passion, talent and brains far over the physical, such as road bump abs, EG. Henry Kissinger, Aristotle Onasis, Stephen Hawking, etc. As for marriage, well there is a famous saying. "When ever you see a beautiful woman, there is one thing certain and that is that there is a man that is tired of fucking her." Marriage is abnormal, unless your a snow goose, which is the only documented creature that mates for life. People should stop watching TV, and those outrageous diamond commercials touting that love is forever. Therefore, stay in a relationship as long as it is tantalizing, exciting, and full filling for both aliens, and when no longer like that, move on, their is a bus arriving every five minutes with six billion other humans beings on it, and for a moment in time, the next person getting off of that bus might just be Mr. or Mrs right, or Mr. and Mrs right for the moment. One last suggestion is that, get a sweet, mega intelligent bi sexual girl friend like mine, opened minded, no possessiveness, no owner ship, just mutual love and respect and to boot has about ten dozen open minded bi girl friends just like her, stunning, savage and she is never above sharing, which is never a bad thing, and OH YES, learn to write, girls love writers, tee hee...Best j
• Benjamin
  1/20/2011 1:48:42 PM

  Interestingly enough, I received my first rejection letter from a magazine the same week as I was “shot down” for the first time by an object of my sexual desire. I was 14 and was spending way too much time masturbating to be of any use to anybody. I had a friend, a girl who was only a year older and whom I had always admired. On the morning I’d received my first “you suck, kid” letter, I made the mistake of bringing up sex. She made the even further mistake of expressing her own sexual frustrations. It was one of those moments in youth when I realized I wasn’t alone in being utterly bewildered by sex. Anyway, once you realize someone you like is in the exact same boat with you, you start to think logically about the situation. “I want to have sex. She wants to have sex… I’m a boy, she’s a girl…” Anyway, it made perfect sense in my hormonally imbalanced Cro-Magnon skull. “Who better to fall madly in love with than your best friend?” Being as subtle as a chainsaw, I took her lamentation on the scarcity of masculine attention for an invitation. I placed my hand on her thigh. She reacted as if she’d just been stung by a bee, slapping my hand away and making the exact wrong face (you know the one -- disgust mixed with betrayal and confusion -- it’s like staring death in the face). She said something so quick I don’t think either of us knew what it was and ran away, leaving me sitting on the steps of my own house to look around in confusion. It was two weeks before she even started talking to me again, and even then I got the impression that I’d been demoted from “dear trusted friend” to “sub-human potential rapist.” It wasn’t really the rejection that hurt, however. I was willing to accept “no” with all the dignity and grace of a 14-year-old gentleman. What hurt most was the change. Once a man expresses sexual desire for a female friend, it is as if every kind, good, wonderful thing that happened in the friendship before is undone. But, as I said, it was the same day I got my first rejection letter for a story I’d written. It took a lot of writing and practice and searching but eventually I got published in a few places. Not to cheapen sex, but in a lot of ways it similar to writing. You have to learn from the rejections and keep putting yourself out there. Eventually, you’ll get a break.
• Stephen Margolis, PhD
  1/20/2011 3:16:00 PM

  "it doesn't seem to phase him" should be "it doesn't seem to faze him." (signed) Pedantic Reader
• Stephen Margolis, PhD
  1/20/2011 3:21:12 PM

  Hank wants his clocks to be "in sink" but he means "in synch" short for "in synchronization."
• Mizzus M
  1/20/2011 7:01:02 PM

  Usually the object of my sexual advances is my husband. Though I have to admit I let him make the overt advances most of the time. But if I'm in the mood and he seems not to be, I get online and cruise one of my favorite pick-up sites for a suitable substitute. Although I prefer fornicating with my sisters, men are easiest to snare.
• Kris Williams
  1/20/2011 11:33:28 PM

  I was with a guy for fifteen years (eight spent unmarried and seven married), and the secon our son was born his sex drive disappeared. I don't know whether it was because he felt pressured into the relationship - it took him a year to decide to move from Vancouver to Edmonton to be with us - but he never looked at me in the same way again. The years of the marriage were torturous, because not only would re rebuff my every attempt at sex, he wouldn't even hold my hand, put his arm around me, etc, in any display at all of affection, sexual or otherwise. It did a number on my self esteem. I gained about forty pounds because I didn't care how I looked, and I definitely felt that there was something wrong with me that he didn't want me. I brought it up time and time again, and he would never discuss it. It eventually contributed to the breakup of our marriage, and now I'm with a guy who loves to have sex with me. Even when he doesn't have an orgasm, he loves pleasing me, and takes as much pleasure in my orgasms as I do myself. I think that women are particularly likely to take sexual rejection personally, as a rejection of their sexual being as a woman, and they're far more likely to blame themselves rather than think that the man has a problem. I find it interesting that most of the replies so far are from men! P.S. Stephen (Margolis), as a writer I know how hard it is to resist correctiong others' spelling mistakes, but this isn't the forum for that. Try a writer's forum - you'll get way more interesting feedback.
• Not Good
  1/21/2011 4:21:57 AM

  I get hurt, then pissed off, then I get even! I alos tend to blame myself first, and I really don't get past that for a while. Usualy the next time he wants to have sex with me, I show him how it feels.
• Maryanne
  1/21/2011 11:17:43 PM

  Wow. Sexual rejection. After a time of being wild and free, then monogamous for 25 years to a wonderfull man are flip sides of a differing coin. Before when rejected I would just move on. Being a straight female there is always some guy who is willing to partner up. My darling husband died two years ago of copd. He could not walk twenty feet with out having to stop and catch his breath. For the last 5-6 years of our relationship we didn't have sex. Not due to my wish but his not being able to. It took months for us to talk openly about it. I was able to tell him how all that rejection hurt me. We did naked hugs. For the most part they were enough. When they weren't I masturbated alone. I wish i had the guts, clarity to ask for a hand job. He could have managed that. A couple of months after he died I started masturbating for the first time. When my orgasm started building I felt his essence though out my body and soul. I came like i had never done befroe. It was one of his first visitations. We still love each other even though we have both moved on.
• Blue Lizard
  1/22/2011 6:05:50 AM

  Sexual rejection? For me, that was a no-brainer. I was the the tall, gangly, pimply-faced kid that had no dates. I was the girls guy friend. I was the one the girls came to for advice about their boy friends. I was the one that got all the details on sexual conquests (most of which I never believed) I was never considered dating material. It killed my self esteem. A girl once told me to 'go sit on the railroad tracks and wait for the train'. And I never considered her as a potential date. I was the one that was a virgin until I was 19 (late for having lived in what was considered the 'sexual revolution). So what happened? I finally figured out a man has no say-so about sex. It is always her decision. She dont want to...you aint gettin any! I also figured out the right one will come along eventually. It took two previous bad, sexless marriages and a third marriage to one that NEVER tells me no! Rejection is no longer a word in my vocabulary!
• Angela
  1/22/2011 8:46:04 PM

  Chocolate. . . no oysters.
• Madame X
  10/20/2011 9:45:48 PM

  I can only recall being rejected for sex once, when I was 15 or 16. He was a guy I really liked, a b-ball player from school. But I think he liked another girl, my friend who wouldn't give him the time of day because she was into another guy. Liking the other girl didn't stop him from coming to my house but he wouldn't give up the goods. Maybe it was because he was a Virgo. I was mad. How dare he say no to me? My mother was home but I REALLY wanted him that night.

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