Free Sex Advice
"My boyfriend doesn't know I'm a virgin," sex advice from Dr. Dick
Name: Tia
Gender: Female
Age: 19
I have a problem. I’m still a virgin, but my bf thinks I’m not. It’s
really my fault he thinks this, cuz I told him I was all experienced and
everything. We’ve been going together for about 8 months already and I
really want my first time to be with him, but how am I going to act all
experienced when I don’t know what I’m doing.
HELP ME PLEASE!!!
Dear Tia,
That sure enough is a pickle you got yourself into darlin’. You’ve got some ‘splanin’ to do Lucy!
Funny, because I’m more likely to hear from young women who are not
virgins, but who want to know how they can fool a new partner into
thinking they are. I guess we can chalk up all this deception and
confusion to the powerful associations every culture imposes on
virginity…female virginity, that is.
Like most things sexual there is a huge double standard between the
cultural and individual importance of virginity for women as opposed to
men. Cultural expectations about virginity are also tied to age as well
as gender. For example, our society expects its 16-year-old girls to
be virgins. To be otherwise, at that tender age, would be a scandal in
most communities. (Jamie Lynn Spears comes immediately to mind.) But a
35 year old woman who is still a virgin is considered an old maid — or
worse, a dyke.
Of course, things are more fluid when it comes to boys and men. On
the one hand, a 16year old boy who is not a virgin may raise some
eyebrows in some communities. But many others in those same communities
would praise him for being a stud. On the other hand, a 35 year old
man who is still a virgin is the butt of jokes — or worse, a queer. In
fact, he’s also more of a disgrace to his gender than an old maid is to
hers. Funny how that works, huh?
I hasten to add that there is a lot to argue with in terms of these
arbitrary cultural norms, and I encourage ya’ll to argue away. God
knows I do! And you don’t have to buy into them either. God knows I
don’t! But till things change, these norms are the norms, like it or
lump it.
I’d love to know why you felt the need to deceive your BF in the
first place? Do the people you hang with, prize sexual experience over
sexual innocence for a young woman of 19? And what are the expectations
of your group regarding a 19 year old guy? I’ll bet the expectation is
that he not be a virgin. Right?
Well you can see why a lot of people, not just you Tia, find this
whole thing just too damned complicated. And rather than add to the
confusion or the deception, I encourage you to come clean with the BF
about your cherry.
Here’s why I think this is the best policy. First, if the BF is
sexually experienced, it will be very difficult for you to hide the fact
that you’re not. Besides, like you said in your message to me. “I
really want my first time to be with him.” Why not just come out and
tell him that, sweetheart? No man is gonna turn that down…ever. Simply
put, that is the most sexually charged and treasured sentence in any
language.
Begin the big talk with your man like this. “Baby, I got something
real special to tell you. You know how I’ve been sayin that I’ve been
with other guys and everything? Well that was just my way of keeping
all the other guys from pestering me for my junk. Baby, the truth is
that I haven’t had sex before now. And the best part of this is I’ve
decided that I really want my first time to be with you. My cherry
belongs to you, baby”
Like I said, Tia, no man is gonna turn that down. The BF will be so
flattered you won’t have to pretend to be something you’re not.
Clearing the air like this will also allow you to relax when the magic
moment finally happens. And relaxation is the key to enjoying yourself.
And you should enjoy yourself.
Good luck!
Dr. Dick
Originally published September 2010