Name: Heidi & Werner
Gender: couple
Age: 32 & 34
Location: Arizona
My husband and I have been married for 12 years, we love each other very
much. About five years into our marriage, while on a retreat for
couples, we discovered we are both bisexual. As a consequence we gave
each other permission to explore our same-sex interests. For the most
part this has worked out really well. At this point in our marriage,
however, we’d like to move beyond the casual semi-furtive affairs we’ve
been having and embrace polyamory. Problem is we don’t know any other
people who are living in successful polyamorous relationships. Is
polyamory a viable option even for a few lucky souls?
Dear Heidi & Werner,
Congratulations on living a successful marriage, especially since you
guys are taking such a non-traditional approach. That can’t be easy. I
wish there was a way the two you could bottle whatever it is that you
apparently have in spades that allows you to make such an honest
assessment of yourselves and your marriage. You must be remarkable
people. I’m so glad that you took the time to write.
As a matter of fact, I know a bunch
of very successful, long-lasting polyamorous relationships. Most are
comprised of people already on the sexual fringe — queer folk, currant
and former swingers and kinksters. However, they all tend to keep the
dimensions of their relationships relatively private. It takes a lot of
psychic energy to live polyamorously, exponentially more than in a
traditional marriage. This tends to leave less psychic energy for flying
in the face of the popular culture. Of course the down side of this is
there are, as you suggest, few good public role models for polyamory.
Connecting with other like-minded people is less of a challenge these
days than in years past thanks to the marvels of the internet, don’t
cha know. And being bisexuals, as you are, my make things even easier.
I suppose you know this already, but for those in my audience who
don’t, polyamory is not the same thing as swinging. Swinging is more
about recreational or sport sex; partners having consensual casual sex
with others, either other couples or individuals. Swinging is also
generally a heterosexual phenomenon. Female bisexual behavior is
allowed and even encouraged. The same cannot be said about male
bisexual behavior. This seems like an unfortunate double standard to
me, but in this respect swinging reflects traditional sexual mores.
Polyamory, on the other hand, connotes more of an emotional bond, a 
relationship that exceeds pure
sport fucking. But not surprisingly many polyamorous relationships
evolve from more casual swinger connections. So let’s not knock that.
If you both are seriously into polyamory you’ll have an easier time
of it too. The downfall of many budding polyamorists has to do with the
reservations one or another in the couple may have about the lifestyle.
The one with reservations may play along for a while thinking that
this new venture will grow on him/her, but it doesn’t. Some folks are
monogamous and it’s bred in the bone. Others are non-monogamous,
equally bred in the bone. Trying to convert one or the other to an
alternative way of thinking is simply not gonna happen.
The big bugaboo in any type of relationship will be jealousy. You
guys seem to have avoided that poison, and again congratulations. The
couples retreat you mentioned my have provided you the communication
tools you needed to open yourselves to one another in an honest and
forthright way. These communication skills will be particularly useful
in forming polyamorous relationships too. Whatever the configuration of
your future relationships, all parties must allow for and invite an
honest and open exchange about passions, desires and needs. And from
time to time each individual in the polyamorous relationship will
prioritize these things differently. Expect lots of diversity. For
more about this see my friend, polyamorous proDOM, Mistress
Matisse’s column HERE!
There’s no “one way” to be
polyamorous. Some people express their polyamory by having one primary
partnership with one or more satellite relationships. They prefer
monogamy with one partner but have an open relationship with others.
Some polyamorists live in triads or loosely structured groups. Some
people express their polyamory by having all partners and lovers as part
of an extended family— raising kids together and taking care of elders
together. Strong polyamorous relationships carried a number of my
closest friends through the worst of the AIDS crisis in the mid 80’s.
While you guys seem pretty clear on what you want for yourselves, you
may want to be on the lookout for potential partners with incompatible
passions needs and desires.
As we all know, a big part of effective communication in a
relationship is exploring and expressing feelings. Another part, one
that is often overlooked, is the art of negotiation. How do partners
and lovers negotiate for what they need and want? “I want to try
something new with someone new.” “My lover and I need some private
time.” Mature people are flexible, but they also have healthy
boundaries. Giving your partner the freedom to share him/herself
intimately with others as he/she desires is easier when it is based on
the guidelines that you and your partner agree to first. Of course
these will need to be readjusted from time to time as new situations
evolve.
A secret to successful polyamory is working to maintain a strong
primary partnership, in your case, with each other. The more
comfortable and secure you guys are with one another, the easier it will
be for you to free one another up for others. When the primary
relationship is healthy and safe, the polyamorous relationship will add
to the support structure, not diminishes it. 
Interestingly enough, not all polyamorous relationships are sexual in
nature. For example, one person in the group relationship may have a
sexual connection with another, while that person enjoys a platonic
relationship with that someone else.
One thing for certain, you guys will have to decide what sort of
people will be positive additions to your lives. And that will entail a
good deal of trial and error. Like my daddy always used to say, “ya
gotta walk through a lot of manure before you find the pony.” Remember
not everyone who aspires to polyamory is capable of it, nor is everyone
one who is capable of being polyamorous suited to be with everyone else
who is.
For more about this timely topic I refer you to the two podcasts I
did with the insanely marvelous Cunning Minx of PolyWeekly.
Look for them HERE
and HERE!
Good luck ya’ll
Dr. Dick
Originally published March 2010