Sex Advice from Jordan LaRousse
Passion without Sex
Dear Jordan,
I'm a 25-year-old woman and have just started seeing a long time acquaintance of mine. We've been spending the last couple weeks with each other in all of our spare time. We have an unbelievable connection. We really seem to be connecting on an emotional and spiritual level in a way that I've never felt before. We can talk about anything and everything. We can sleep in each other's arms all night. It's been an amazing experience and it's really helping me to forget about an ex lover who I've had a tough time getting over. The only weird part is that physically we haven't done anything besides kiss and hug. And sometimes when I want to kiss he gives me a friendly smooch on the lips. Plus he's said some weird things about him wanting to try to see beyond physical attraction. He's also expressed that he thinks I'm a beautiful woman but he feels more emotionally connected to me than physically. I'm really falling for this guy, but his mixed signals are definitely confusing me. Can you offer advice?
Thanks,
Rose
Dear Rose,
Several years ago while I was still dating I wrote an article called The Four Levels of Attraction and I think it would do you well to read it first.
Okay so let's think of the four levels as table legs. With four of these levels intact ( Sexual, Physical, Mental, and Emotional) you've got a solid table. Now once you start stripping the legs off the table, the foundation gets weaker. A three legged table can hold up okay and still has the potential to support a pretty good relationship. However once you start stepping into two legged territory the relationship will be wobbly and you'll be unable to find security and balance. From what it sounds like you've only got two of the four levels, mental and emotional, working for you here.
The point is, this guy has made it perfectly clear through both words and actions that he's not physically or sexually attracted to you. A man who won't put out makes for a suitable companion, but definitely not for a boyfriend or partner. Imagine if despite the red flags here, this turned into a long term relationship. Not only would your sexual needs not be met, you would probably start experiencing a nagging voice of self doubt that wonders why you aren't good enough, pretty enough, or sexy enough for him. This will put a lot of pressure on your self-esteem and could cause a downward spiral in your self worth if these feelings are allowed to eat at you over time. Not to mention you'd get tired of masturbating and want to cheat!
Believe me, when a man is attracted to a woman physically and sexually there is no doubt. When it comes to men and intimate relationships the penises do the thinking at least half the time. It sounds like in this case his dick is just not that into you. This isn't a problem that you can remedy over time; and it won't do you well to wait for this unlikely shift in his erection's opinion.
There is one good thing about your relationship with this guy: he's served as a catalyst for you. He's given you the emotional strength to finally put your old relationship to rest. You're being shown a world of new opportunity, and that's fabulous!
"Heads Up" by Justin Jackley
Don't sell yourself short. Enjoy your time with this man, but don't let it take you over. You should keep your options open. It's possible, now that you've made yourself emotionally available, to really find a guy who can give you the stability of three and maybe even four table legs (including his dick!).
Good luck!
xo
Jordan
Originally published February 2010