A Humorous Look at Aunt Flo
"That Time of the Month," an article by Al Harrington
My last wife, Danielle, had a five-year old daughter when we met and, at one time, she told me that she was five months into the pregnancy before she knew she was pregnant. That seemed strange for two reasons. First, she was just a bit over five feet and weighed all of 110 pounds; didn’t she notice a weight gain? Second, what about her period? These are questions I didn’t ask her.
“Ah, shit!” I heard Danielle say in the bathroom on morning.
I walked in and saw her on her hands and knees pawing through the cabinet under the sink. “What’s wrong?” I asked as I admired the view I had of her rear end.
“Oh, I started my period and I don’t have any tampons.”
She stood up, turned, put her arms around my neck, smiled, and said, “Would you be a sweetie and go get some for me?”
Having been married for eighteen years, as well as three or four live-in girlfriends (no, not at the same time), I wasn’t at all embarrassed about buying women’s products. I kissed her and said, “Sure, what kind?”
She got a quizzical look on her face and said, “I don’t know, just tampons.”
“What, you don’t even know what kind you use?”
She pulled back from me, put her hands on her hips, and said, “How long have we lived together?”
I hate it when a woman changes the subject. I thought a moment and then said, “Eight, nine months.”
“Right, and in that time, how many periods have I had?”
This is not something that I normally keep track of. In the past the only way I knew when my wife/girlfriend was on the rag was when I tried to get romantic and found a string in my way or she said, “Not tonight, it’s that time of month.” So I had to admit, “I have no idea.”
She said, “I haven’t. I usually don’t have them.” I went to the store, bought some tampons, only to hear when I got home, “That’s okay, it’s over.”
It was nearly three years before she had another period and that one lasted all of four hours and she actually used one of the tampons I had bought long ago. She just didn’t have periods! Nope, I don’t pretend to understand women.
I once had a girlfriend that became really horny when she had her period. It was by no way a common thing, but she would occasionally stick her head out of the bathroom, wave a tampon at me, and say something like, “Want to take this out?” That meant that, after we went to bed, she’d want me to play with her for a while, then pull out the tampon, and replace it with something else. The screwy thing was, she never wanted me to put my finger inside her, she just wanted to fuck. I’ll have to admit that it was really sexy the first few times, but having to change the sheets afterward made me a bit cautious. And though I’ve heard about cunnilingus during a woman’s period, I was never able to work up the courage to try that.
During the research for my O&C articles, my friend, Amy, told me that she didn’t like to have sex during her period, but, “...after I got married, any time I was on my period and my man wanted some, I’d let him do me [anally].”
Being the writer that I am, I can’t end an article without sharing an anecdote that demonstrates how stupid I can be. Some years ago, I wrote an article called “Christmas Remembered” that included the following:
“When I was about six [circa 1953], I did something I thought was unique. For Christmas, I received some new toy soldiers. I had hundreds of the smaller ones, each about two inches tall, but these new ones were nearly six inches tall and I received thirty or forty of them. I don’t remember what else I received that year, but there must have been some cool things because it wasn’t until the afternoon that I took the soldiers out into the back yard to start a war.
"I needed to protect them somehow and, because they were bigger than my others, I couldn’t use the usual forts and blockades I had for my old soldiers. It was then that I remember seeing something in the house I could use. A few minutes later, I had a really neat breastwork built up with “sandbags.” Yep, that box of my mother’s Kotex pads made a wall about two feet long and four inches tall. With my luck, it couldn’t be just my mom or dad that stumbled on what I did. Nooo, it had to be one of my uncles who immediately called the entire family out to look at it. Eight or nine people were out there looking at my handiwork and laughing. It was many years before I figured out why my mother was so embarrassed that day.”
To spark today’s controversy, let me ask the ladies the following questions. Do you allow vaginal intercourse during your period? If so, do you enjoy it? Do you offer oral or anal sex as a substitute when you’re on your period? Do you allow your lover to insert or remove your tampon during your period? Have you ever had a man go down on you during your period? If so, did you enjoy it? Did he? Whose idea was it?
As alternative questions, I’ll mention that I’ve heard women use a few terms for being on her period other than the common “the curse,” “on the rag,” and “that time of the month.” I’ve also heard some stranger terms such as, “string’s hanging,” and “riding the red monkey.” In my article on masturbation I mentioned that my friend Amy had sent me an email listing forty-six different terms that women have used for masturbating. Do you have a strange or funny term that you use for your menstrual period?
Originally published October 2009