Cover your stump before you hump. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker. Don't be silly, protect your willy. When in doubt, shroud your spout. Don't be a loner, cover your boner. You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick. If you go into heat, package your meat. While you're undressing Venus, dress up your penis. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse. Especially in December, gift wrap your member. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool. The right selection will protect your erection. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil. A crank with armor will never harm her. No glove, no love!
These are all slogans of the National Condom Week and to start this topic I'm going to relate three short stories and then make an admission
The first story: If you've seen the movie "Irma la Douce," you'll be familiar with the area of Paris called Les Halles. All the food for Paris -- fruits, vegetables, fish, meat -- it all came in through that area. The district also had wall-to-wall hookers. In 1969 my friend, Stoney, asked me if I wanted to go to Les Halles for the evening and I went along with him. He was nearly a legend because almost every hooker in Paris knew him. We went to a small bar and soon had two girls sitting with us. Less than an hour of drinking and the girls led us upstairs where Stoney and I traded off with the girls all night. What made it weird was that a week later I found I had the clap and Stoney didn't!
The second story: In the late seventies my second wife and I had two children and weren't ready for more. Because she had been on "the pill" for many years her doctor advised her against going back on it. For the next year she had me wear a condom every time we made love.
The third story: It was the late 1990s when I answered the door to see a young man standing there. "Are you Al Harrington?" he asked. When I pled guilty, he held out a picture of a woman and asked if I knew her. Looking at it I recognized an old girlfriend I had known thirty years before. When I said I knew her, he said, "I'm also named Al because I'm your son!"
The admission: I am one of men that your mother warned you about. As a Marine I visited every continent except Antarctica and had sex on all those continents as well as thirty-some different countries I visited. (Yes, there were a number of hookers in several of those countries.) As an avid camper I've visited 39 of our U.S. states and, again, had sex in most of them. With the exception of the six times my wife and I did it that year when she was forcing the raincoat on me I have never once worn any protection (GASP)!
In today's world this is absolutely the stupidest thing a man (or woman) can do. Oysters and Chocolate is dedicated to erotica which implies sex. As much as we want to dwell on the erotic and ignore the seamier side of life, we have to remember that one result of sex can be pregnancy and/or infection. In today's world protection is an absolute must. I don't apologize for what I've done, it was dumb, but it's part of my past and I have to live with it.
I've said all this just to point out that (other than worrying about disease) women can become pregnant after ... fucking.
Obviously not having sex is the most effective method of not contacting a disease or getting pregnant. But, if you're going to screw, how do you protect yourself? The Catholic concept of coitus interruptus or withdrawal is very iffy for contraception. The use of spermicides has been proven to be ineffective when used alone. The diaphragm, cervical cap, and contraceptive sponge have all been proven to be less effective than the condom. The IUD (Intrauterine Device) is now 99% effective against preventing pregnancy, but obviously none of the methods listed, aside from condoms, has any measure of control over disease.
Oh, and just so you know, douching after unprotected sex is one of the worst things you can do for preventing pregnancy. Infusing that liquid into your vagina actually helps the little swimmers move upstream. As far as douching being protection against disease, there are many studies that indicate that if you allow an unprotected penis inside you, even for a few seconds, you are already at risk for disease.
When it comes to condoms you should be aware that there are a number of different kinds. For the men the most common are the latex, the polyurethane, the sheepskin, and the novelty. Without going into a lot of details, let me point out some facts. Novelty condoms are dispensed in machines in bars and are meant as just jokes. Don't ever depend on one of those for disease or pregnancy protection! Sheepskin are actually made from the intestines of a sheep and are adequate for contraception, but NOT protection against disease. Latex condoms must be used with a water-based lubricant as an oil-based lubricant can cause them to break down. All of these (except the novelty) can be used for both vaginal and anal intercourse.
There is also a female condom that has pluses and minuses. You can insert it up to eight hours before intercourse, it is nearly as effective as the male condom, and can use nearly any type of lubricant with the polyurethane brands. It is more expensive, cannot be used for anal intercourse, and the polyurethane female condoms can squeak when they're not used with sufficient lubricant. That can either be distracting or comical while you're in the middle of sex.
Oh, no matter what you've heard before, condoms are designed for use only one time. Don't ever consider using the same condom a second time.
Keep in mind that there are some condoms that have reservoirs on the end and some that don't. Both require a different method of ... uh ... installation. If there is no reservoir you have to put it on and leave a little flap of rubber on the top to hold the ejaculate.
Naturally I have a few questions for the ladies. Do you ever have unprotected sex? Do you allow a stranger to have unprotected sex with you? If you have unprotected sex are you worried about getting pregnant? If you do get pregnant, do you think of it as your problem, his, or both? If you have unprotected sex are you worried about contacting an STD? Do you know the difference between a latex, polyurethane, natural, and novelty condom? Do you know how to properly put a condom on a man's cock?
Originally Published December 2008