As the Grateful Dead sang in one song, “What a long, strange trip it’s been.”
Over the year or so during which I interviewed my focal survey group about all things personal and sexual, I made notes on various topics that I thought might be worthy of articles in their own right. The job that I had at the time managing a bar is what gave me close access to my survey group – many of the members were customers and friends who I had known for a number of years. Unfortunately, I left the job before I had a chance to pursue the last of my notes and thus the last of this series of articles. I was resigned to give up when some freaky accidents occurred and allowed me to carry on for one more edition of my “scientific” surveys. Happily, it seems that fate wanted me to finish.
- Lonnie and I had been trading sporadic e-mails for quite a few years; I just never knew when I’d hear from her. She recently broke up with her boyfriend and moved out so she now has her own computer and can spend more time on it.
- The one woman I referred to as my “little Bible thumper,” Geri, recently contacted O&C to admit she was one of the women in the survey, and they referred her to me.
- Then I heard from Diane, who found O&C in Jane’s Guide, and she tracked me down through the O&C MySpace page.
Desiring some kind of closure in this series, I sent a list of questions to the three women and was pleasantly surprised when they all responded. Each of my previous articles dealt with just one topic, so it was easy to go through and discuss the responses from each of my friends. This one, however, covers eight topics and was somewhat disjointed to fit together. So, here, in the last, final, absolute end of my series, I present a wrap-up of the topics.
NOTE OF EXPLANATION: The following were actually emails and IMs I traded with Lonnie, Geri, and Diane. I’ve formatted them to look like conversation for your convenience.
* * *
THE SURVEY WOMEN ON THE QUESTION: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN INVOLVED IN A LESBIAN EXPERIENCE?
Lonnie was adamant about saying no. It’s interesting to note that Lonnie always types in all lower case, but every time I approached this subject, she has capitalized her answer as NO or NEVER.
Geri said, “When I was younger I almost did it with a woman once.” I asked what she meant and she elaborated: “I was at a party and we were playing some kind of drinking game. I lost and had to kiss one of the other women.”
“How did that go?”
“We kissed and then she started rubbing my leg and then sticking her tongue in my mouth. And then my boyfriend stopped us.”
“If he hadn’t stopped you, would you have gone further?”
“Not there. Not in front of eight or ten other people. If we had been alone, I don’t know. Kissing a woman was different. She was gentler than a man and I liked that, but I also missed the roughness that a man has, you know what I mean?”
Diane reported being with a woman ten years ago.
“Wait, you mean while you and Hank were married?” I asked, surprised.
“We had a rough time and separated for a few months. It was right before Christmas and it happened at my office Christmas party.”
“What happened?”
“You have to remember, I was the boss, and when one of the clerks pulled me into an empty office and put a sprig of mistletoe over my head, I was all ready to get mad at her.”
“And then?”
“Al, I’m not going to give you any details. We kissed, we played with each other’s boobs, and she...well, she had her hand between my legs for a few minutes.”
And that was all she was willing to give me.
* * *
THE SURVEY WOMEN ON THE QUESTION: HAVE YOU EVER FAKED AN ORGASM?
Geri said yes but wouldn’t give me any details.
Lonnie said, “Yes, ‘cause the sex sucked and I wanted him to hurry and finish.”
“Was it only once with one man, or do you fake it regularly?”
“No, not really, unless they are taking forever.”
Diane said, “Duh.”
“How often?”
“Well, it’s not something I keep track of. I think I’ve faked them with just about every guy I’ve been with for any length of time. The short-term affairs, I mean who cares?”
“Why would you fake it?”
“Men are babies. They have to have some proof that they’re manly. If a girl doesn’t have a big ‘O’ they feel they’ve failed. We have to do it to make them feel good.”
As a follow-up to that question I asked, “As far as you know, has your partner ever faked an orgasm with you?”
Geri said, “How would I know?” Lonnie said, “No,” and Diane said, “I think a guy did once, but it’s hard to tell.”
“What makes you think so?”
“Well, that was when I was younger and this one guy had really short staying power, if you know what I mean. One afternoon we did it after work and he only lasted a few minutes like always and then, while he was still inside me, asked me if he could do it again. I said okay and he just kept going. Somehow I think he didn’t really climax, but just managed to keep going.”
“You couldn’t tell that he had climaxed?”
“He was wearing a condom, so I had no way of knowing.”
“Was that the only time?”
“Yes, as far as I know.”
[Toward the end there’s another topic that ties in to this last discussion.]
* * *
There are levels of bondage and I’ve had some fun with the lesser levels, so I asked my survey ladies: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TIED UP?
Both Geri and Diane said yes, but wouldn’t give any details. Lonnie said, “Can’t remember, but it’s possible.”
With the follow-up question about whether they had ever tied up their partner, Geri said no, Diane said yes, with no details, and Lonnie, again, “Can’t remember, but that’s also possible.”
I went back to her and said, “It seems to me you’d remember something like that. Are you saying there was a night (or more than one) when you were high on drugs or booze?”
She answered, “I can’t remember exactly, it’s been a long time, but I know I’ve tied someone up or I was tied. I can’t remember it, honestly, it’s so vague. I’ve been held down with my hands pinned over my head or behind my back. I liked it but got a little nervous. Hair pulling I like a little and biting is good too, just not too hard, and a nice slap on the ass is a turn on!” [Geez, see why I love this woman?]
* * *
Some years ago, I was with a woman who, several times, soaked the bed while we were making love. I had never heard of female ejaculation at the time and just thought she got excited and lost control of her bladder while we were doing it. I didn’t want to embarrass her by saying something and she never talked about it. So I had to ask my ladies: HAVE YOU EVER EXPERIENCED A FEMALE EJACULATION OR "SQUIRTING"?
Geri answered, “I’m not sure.”
“What do you mean not sure?”
“There was one time I felt something and the bed was really wet, but I just thought that I had – you know, just peed – so I’m not really sure.”
Lonnie answered in a similar way, “Ran down my leg, did not squirt ... whatever that was felt good, but also felt like I had to pee. Actually didn’t run too far, maybe closer to my thigh.”
Diane said, “It’s really weird, there was this guy I was with for just a few months and we just had sex. Every time we got together we screwed like rabbits. The third or fourth time he was behind me and I got really excited and suddenly felt something running down my legs. At the time I thought I just peed. Then, two or three times after that the same thing happened. It always seemed to be when I was having a big ‘O.’”
“Any time since then?”
“No.”
* * *
HAVE YOU EVER HAD SEX IN A PUBLIC PLACE WHERE YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN CAUGHT?
Geri said yes, but wouldn’t explain it.
Lonnie said, “In an alley with Dan in the passenger seat of my car, then in his truck in front of my mom’s house. The last time in the garage. We had just got home from a party, pulled into the driveway, went in his garage in the rain with the door open. We lived on a busy intersection and it was hot-ass sex! We did everything and were so into each other while people were driving by and we kept wondering if they could see us.”
Lonnie, who has been consistently very open about answering questions, elaborated: “On the way home, Dan and I had our hands in each other’s laps. He told me to take off my panties, so I did, and hiked my leg up over the seat and started pleasuring myself. By the time we got home we were both so horny he stopped in the driveway, we ran into the garage and I jumped up on the drier and he started to go down on me until I begged him for it. Then we remembered a Playboy article about a man who hit his penis against the counter while trying to enter his conquest and, thinking of the photos of his badly injured member sent us both into grimacing faces, so we ended up on the floor of the garage. I straddled him and rode him slow then fast. He thought I was so sexy and beautiful and he started telling me how turned on he was how we wanted each other so bad and how we were out in the open where people could see my hot body. We both ended up climaxing and then throwing on minimal clothes and running into the house.”
[Editorial time out. .................. Okay, I’m back. Little bit of pressure there, but I think I can go on now.]
Where was I? Oh, yes, public sex. Diane answered, “Did it once in the men’s room at Hank’s office.”
“In one of the stalls?”
“Nope, I just leaned against the wall between two urinals.”
“How long did it last?”
“You don’t need any details.” [Oh, yes, I really do, but I don’t want to offend my source so I’ll behave myself.]
* * *
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A ONE-NIGHT STAND?
Geri said, “Once. It was no big deal. Maybe it wasn’t really a one-night stand, because I had dated this guy for several weeks before I decided to give him sex and we did it. It was so bad I didn’t want anything to do with him after that.”
“Bad how?”
“Short, not him, but it only lasted a couple of minutes. I mean a couple of minutes after we actually started doing it. Then it was over and he fell asleep.”
“One time?”
“Well, yes, why would I want to give him another chance? After he went to sleep, I left. That’s why I said it might not be a one-night stand.”
Lonnie’s answer was similar when she said, “Kind of.” She then explained that, “Sex occurred only once. We saw each other for a week up to it, but not again after sex.”
[This came as no surprise to me as, over the years, I’ve warned Lonnie that men want one thing: sex. We’ll do anything to get it and, after we get it, well – I’ve already had you, why would I stick around? Well, not me personally, no, I’d NEVER do something like that.]
Diane’s response was somewhat different. “I had quite a few when I was younger. After all, the early ‘70s was a time of a lot of sex for me.”
“When was the last time?”
“Last year. When Hank and I split up. The day I got the final divorce papers I went out and did some heavy drinking. I ended up down at a bar in one of the hotels by the airport. I woke up the next morning next to some guy I couldn’t even remember. Hell, he was even worse off than I was. I did him again when I woke up and he didn’t even move. Just laid there when I got on top. I got dressed and left and I don’t think he even knew I was gone. Or that I had just done him. We were both so wasted that I don’t know if we actually did it the night before.”
“Since then?”
“No.”
“Want to?”
“No, Al, I’m not spending the night with you.”
“How about just an hour?”
“Quit begging.”
Please note that there was nothing mean-spirited about that particular conversation because Diane and I have been friends for a lot of years and frequently go back and forth like this. On to the next question.
* * *
A PISS FETISH
A number of years ago, I had an extremely energetic woman on top of me doing some really wonderful things when she suddenly said, “Pee inside me.” I didn’t have to go so I didn’t, but it did make me wonder about such things.
Intellectually, I know that urine is sterile and even has medical usages. Convicts on chain gangs found that when their hands were badly blistered they could pee on them and toughen the skin in a relatively short time. I have also heard that urine can be used to moisten and sterilize wounds in combat. There are any number of people who swear that drinking a cup of your own urine each day will keep you healthy. It’s also fairly common for people (mostly men) to pee on their feet when they have athlete’s foot.
With all this said, we know that urine is not poisonous or dangerous, but why do people want “Golden Showers”? I have never had any desire to pee on or in a partner or have her pee on me, but figured I should ask. The questions I posed were: Have you ever had a lover pee in or on you? If you did, was it your request or his desire? Have you ever peed on a lover? Was it in bed, the shower, outside, in the car? Did he ask for it or did you want to?
Lonnie answered with, “No, my abusive ex peed the bed drunk. That’s about it for pee-pee. Ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!”
Geri said it wasn’t something she wanted to talk about.
Diane said, “Once. A guy I was with really wanted to do it and I finally let him one afternoon when we were in the shower and he did it. I was able to wash it off right away and that’s the last time a guy will ever do that.”
“Why?”
“Look, Al, I’ve stared at the end of many guy’s dicks and what I want to see come out of it is white. I’ve had the yellow stuff, but I want white.”
“How about the other way around?”
“I once had a guy who wanted me to pee on him, but I didn’t have to go, so I didn’t”
“If you would have had to go, would you have done it?”
“Probably not, we were in my bed and I wouldn’t have wanted to clean up that kind of mess.”
* * *
Let’s revisit the topic of faking orgasms. A woman can easily fake one, but can a man? As I mentioned in the masturbation article, a man has something of a mess to deal with upon his climax. If a guy is using condoms, I guess it’s possible for a man to pretend to climax and then keep going or pull off the condom and throw it away without letting the woman see it. There is also the fact that some women like to play with the condom afterward and, if it’s not overflowing, they might suspect something.
[Yes, I know that tantric sex is supposed to allow a man to climax without ejaculating. I’ve never had any success at that and I’ve never talked to another man about it, but I’ll accept that it might be possible.]
If the man’s not wearing any protection, can a woman tell whether he’s orgasmed or not? I’ll admit that I’m writing from the wrong side, so I have to rely on what women have told me. Over the years I have had two lovers tell me that they had never in their life actually felt a man ejaculate inside them.
Kaitlan once told me the same thing and then, just weeks later, came into the bar and blurted out, “Al, I actually felt it.”
“Felt what?”
“When we were doing it last night, I actually felt him do it inside me.”
On the other hand, some women report being able to always feel it, such as my girlfriend. “Silly, I can always tell when you’re going to climax.”
“How?”
“The head of it swells up and I can feel that and then I can feel you squirting inside me.”
We all know that women vary greatly in all aspects, and I remembered Geri telling me that she couldn’t tell the difference between a dildo and a penis inside her. That made me go back to my women and ask them about this. The questions were: When you have unprotected sex, can you feel the man ejaculate inside you? What do you feel – the head of his dick swelling? The ejaculate actually squirting into you? Or just the man straining, grunting, groaning, and saying that he’s coming?
Lonnie said, “Let me try to recall that one…I’ll get back to you,” and, because there’s nothing else here, she obviously didn’t.
Geri said, “No. I’ve never felt actual, you know, stuff shooting into me.”
Diane said, “Remember when I told you about the back door thing? That was the first time I actually felt a man ejaculate inside me. From then until I married Hank I had five lovers and, for some reason, I felt each and every one of them.”
“Every time?”
“Nearly always. If I was in the middle of my own big ‘O’ I didn’t really notice what my partner was doing. If he came while I wasn’t there, yes, I felt it nearly every time. Then, with Hank, I think I got complacent. The first year or two I could feel it, and then it got to be just part of making love and I didn’t actually notice it. He’d always say something about being ready to come, but I didn’t really feel anything. Well, sometimes, but not always.”
“For the purposes of journalistic accuracy, do you want to try it?”
“No, Al, I’m not sleeping with you.”
* * *
And that’s a wrap. I said I was looking for closure to the series and I think this is it. I have milked every sexy story from all my friends and hope you’ve enjoyed reading them. I know I’ve enjoyed listening to and writing about them. And hopefully these articles have inspired you to have your own sexy conversations with your friends and lovers.
Originally published June, 2008