Dear Aunt Chelsea,
My question is this: how can a woman who’s not used to “making the first move” learn how to initiate sex? I’m not talking about walking up to strangers in bars. I’ve been married to my husband for almost ten years now. We have a satisfactory sex life, as far as the number of times a week we make love. But the other day, my husband revealed to me that he is disappointed about one thing: he always has to make the first move. He would love it, he said, if I would come on to him sometimes.
Aunt Chelsea, I’ve never been good at expressing to other people what I want or
need, and I’m not sure that I can get good at this. Do you know any tips or tricks that can help a shy woman be more aggressive?
- Ginger
Dear Ginger,
The only “trick” I know is this: good, old-fashioned caring.
Listen, if your husband had any other reasonable preference or interest when it came to sex– if he liked to role-play, let’s say– you would try it with him, wouldn’t you? Couples who truly care about each other know their boundaries, but also know to give a little when it comes to exploring what makes the other person happy, even if it’s a bit outside your usual comfort zone.
Well, initiating sex is the same way. You want your husband to be sexually satisfied
and fulfilled. (Hopefully, he wants the same for you. If he doesn’t, well, that’s a column for a different day.) So demonstrate how much you care by making the effort to make the first move. Even if it feels awkward. Even if you do it wrong the first few times. The most important thing is to try.
After all, he’s not asking you to control the whole thing (though that can be fun, too). He’s just asking you to get the ball rolling, if you’ll pardon the pun.
There are as many ways to initiate lovemaking as there are stars in the sky, ranging from the crude but effective (“Wanna fuck?”) to the subtle (sliding your hand between his legs as you sit on the couch watching the evening news). Walk into the room where he’s engaged in some innocent activity and strip your clothes off. Or leave some clothes on, and start masturbating in front of him. Men love to watch a woman masturbating; note the popularity of the hands-down-the-panties pose in Playboy.
And if verbal and body-language communication aren’t your strong suit, feel free to
use non-verbal communication. Let him come home to find a sticky note on the kitchen table that says, “I’m upstairs in bed. Naked.” Send him a suggestive e-mail. Text him, even if he’s in the room with you. Tell him you’ve rented a chick flick for the two of you to watch together, but when you turn on the DVD player, have it cued to a hot scene from your favorite porno.
The list goes on and on. However you choose to seduce your partner, though, the
important thing is to take some of the burden off him. Aren’t there certain tasks that you always seem to get stuck with at work or at home that you wish someone else would do for you every once in a while? Well, sex is great, but being the one to stick his neck out and ask for it, facing rejection each time, gets wearisome after a while. So make the effort to take turns.
Originally published May, 2008