Dear Dr. Dick,
My parents were Laurel Canyon hippies of the first order, free love,
drugs and all that stuff. I used to be disgusted by all the sex my
parents were having with other people. I just couldn’t understand why
they didn’t just want to be with one another or divorce and remarry
someone else. As soon as I could, I left the west coast for the
Midwest. Now all these years later my own marriage is in trouble. My
husband unilaterally ended our sex life after the birth of our last
child three years ago. I haven’t let myself go. I’m still very
attractive and have even improved my body after the babies. But nothing
I do brings him back to bed. He said that we have children now, and
people with children don’t do that sort of thing!
To spite him for shutting me out, I turned to another man for sex. I
just wanted to feel desirable again. I fear my affair will be found out
and it will destroy my marriage. Funny thing, my parents with all their
multiple sex partners remained happily married for 51 years till my
father’s death two years ago. They were honest about their lives; I am
not! I feel ashamed, but I am also having the best sex of my life and I
won’t give it up.
My husband is a decent man and a good father. How can I continue to
live this lie? If I come clean it will likely break up my family and
I’ll look like a cheating slut. Is there any other option? I wish I
would have been more accepting of my parent’s lifestyle; maybe the
karma wouldn’t be so rough now.
Tammy, Femal, Age: 36
Springfield IL
Dear Tammy,
Ahhh, bad luck doll! That karma thing can sure enough be a bitch. And it’ll bite you in the ass sure as shootin’.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard this same story from a
frustrated and desperate man or woman trapped in a sexless marriage,
I’d have enough money to lay down my keyboard, give up my status as the
most fabulous and revered sexpert in the universe and retire to Maui.
Unfortunately, by the time I hear from most of these people they
have already suffered through years of abstinence, all the while
begging and pleading for the sex they want, need and deserve. By the
time they write to me it’s often way too late. The die is cast. They’re
married with kids and often have a stray affair workin’ on the side. As
you suggest, Tammy, it’s a pretty unbearable situation.
My first thoughts are that by the time things get to the point of
sheer desperation, a happy ending is virtually impossible. A lot of
people are gonna get hurt regardless of how this resolves it self. If
that’s a given, mabe you should be asking yourself; what can be
salvaged from the impending wreck?
Tammy, you write something very telling in your message to me. When
talking about your parents you say; “They were honest about their
lives; I am not!” In the end, if you can reclaim your integrity,
regardless if it means the demise of your marriage and family as you
currently know it, you will have regained something of inestimable
value.
I also want to address your comment: “If I come clean it will likely
break up my family and I’ll look like a cheating slut.” Perhaps, but at
least you’ll no longer be a lyin’ cheatin’ slut. Come on, how could
what others think of you trump what you already think of yourself. You
are down on yourself because you expect sex in your marriage. And when
that disappeared, you didn’t shut down as a sexual being. Does that
alone make you so bad, a slut even?
I wholeheartedly believe that married people deserve a rich and
fulfilling sex life, unless there’s mutual agreement for another
arrangement. Unilaterally depriving a spouse of a rich and fulfilling
sex life is an act of sexual violence. The kind of sexual violence that
will cause frustration, anger and desperation. And inevitably lead to
infidelity, which in turn destroys the marriage and traumatizes the
kids. So Tammy, if 
you
are a cheating slut, what does that make your husband? Neither you or
your old man is without blame. So time to buck up, darlin’, and do the
right thing. Regardless of how the chips fall.
And one more thing, you say you were disgusted by your parent’s
hippy, free love lifestyle — at least they were open an up-front with
you about who they were. Consider the trauma your kids will experience
when they learn dear old mom was bumping someone other than dear old
dad. What kind of example are you setting for them? You see where the
honesty thing is a good idea right from the get go, huh?
Ok, so I think there’s a consensus that the truth must be told. I
suggest that you generously offer your husband the first right of
refusal. He may not deserve it, but that’s the way to go nonetheless.
Offer to stay with him and raise your kids together, but not in a
sexless marriage. If he can’t bring himself to bone you the way you
need it, when you need it, with vigor and passion; then he needs to
free you up to find that bone in someone else’s drawers. And if he
can’t live the cuckold life he ought at least to be man enough to leave
the marriage with as little stink as possible.