Dear Jordan,
I’m recently divorced from my husband of almost 10 years. We had a very bad ending; he was deceitful, and he left me with a huge mess to clean up. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to be in a relationship again after that one. However, I met this guy and am really falling for him in a major way. We started dating only a few weeks after my divorce was finalized, and I’m already having visions of a future with this new man. He offers me everything that my ex-husband couldn’t: he’s financially stable and passionate in the bedroom. I feel like I could be really falling in love here, but a little voice in my head keeps wondering if this could just be a “rebound” relationship. What do you think? Have I found a keeper or am I just on the rebound?
Newly Single
Dear N.S.,
I’m of the solid opinion that after a serious break-up or divorce you really need to take time to heal and reconnect with yourself. Although the timeline is different and the journey is unique to every individual, in my experience there are three general ways that people travel after the loss of a relationship: The Healthy Way, The Romantic Way, and The Slutty Way. I’ve tried all three and I would highly recommend “The Healthy Way” (although I do seem to enjoy learning the hard way). Whatever road you choose, choose it with your eyes open and enjoy the lessons you will learn.
Compare your situation to the ones I’ve listed below to see which way you may be going:
The Romantic Way (aka Multiple Heart Fractures)
- Meet Mr. Right, right away! Tell your friends how much you love this man, how perfect he is for you, how you’ve never felt this way before. Obsess about him night and day. Imagine a bright and shiny future with him, complete with shared dogs, a shared bed and possibly even shared children.
- Subconsciously you want to make sure that he’s really unavailable at some level. (He should be just coming out of a divorce too, maybe still married even. Or he should live far away. Or he should be emotionally unavailable and offer you little crumbs of affection so that you have to chirp really loudly at his feet to gain notice. Or he should have some excuse as to why he wants to be with you but the timing isn’t right for a commitment…etc)
- If he actually becomes available, dump him as soon as you realize that this is “getting too real.” You may also dump him when another cutie catches your eye. Move on to Mr. Right Number II.
- Repeat these steps at least once every 6-12 weeks. When you’re bored of this pattern, take out this list and try another method.
The Slutty Way (aka the Road to STDs and DUIs)
- Drown your sorrows in alcohol and/or drugs, and promiscuous behavior. Fuck everything with a dick (or a clit or both).
- Start complaining that every man you meet is an asshole; remind everyone that guys are only after one thing (pussy).
- Attract only the biggest jerks into your life to complicate things and to prove your point (alcoholics, rageaholics, criminals and cheaters are your best bet here).
- Treat every man you meet like meat; after all, that’s how men treat you, right? Those bastards!
- Stay in this pattern until you get an STD or a DUI and have a serious wakeup call.
- Take out this list and try another method.
The Healthy Way (aka No Booty for a While)
- Take some time out from dating – reconnect with yourself, remember the passions that you have perhaps lost while in the murk and mire of your past relationship. Did you stop writing/painting/singing/dancing when your old relationship grew complicated? Well then, get back into it. Remember those things that make your soul happy and embrace them.
- Heal your hurts. Meet with a spiritual and/or psychological healer who will help you to release any pain your ex may have caused you. You do not want to carry the baggage of that relationship into the bosom of your future relationships.
- Once you have become a whole woman again, get back into the dating game. Date a lot of men, not just one (don’t get tunnel vision and cozy up with the first guy who pays you a compliment, or who is great in bed, or who happens to have a gigantic cock).
- Write down a very specific list of things that you are looking for in a partner. With each man you date, make sure to compare the reality of him to the requirements on your list. Don’t make up stories about this man, see him for who he is not for who you wish he was. And most importantly, don’t settle!
- Don’t have sex with any of these men until they have passed the trials of the first 3-5 dates (or longer if you can stand it). Try not to sleep with men, or date them for that matter, who don’t fit your criteria by at least 80%.
- At this point you will have learned enough about yourself and your needs, and dated enough men to really find your partner.
- Be patient, he will come. And when he does it shouldn’t take you long to figure it out. It will feel comfortable, though not necessarily thrilling. It will feel easy, you won’t have to chase him, and there will be a mutual understanding almost from the first moment that this is “right.” You will feel like you “have arrived” and your friends and family will likely approve of him.
Good luck!
Jordan
Readers – Please email me your sex or dating questions for inclusion in a future installment of Ask Jordan!