A friend once mentioned that she had a lousy sexual experience, and it sparked the idea for an article. While interviewing for that first article, another woman made some comment about masturbation, and I wrote an article about that. And interestingly, while I was researching the masturbation topic, one of the men refused to talk about it, saying, "I don't talk about that. It's too much like cheating." Another source admitted that she fantasized about a male star on a soap opera when she took care of herself.
Naturally, my original definitions of cheating were limited to the physical act of sex, but here was this man saying he thought just talking about his masturbation was akin to cheating. Further, what the woman said reminded me that there's often a possibility that your lover is thinking about someone else even while you're involved. I decided now was a good time to explore various ideas about cheating.
I prepared a rather convoluted questionnaire that took a series of questions and asked them once from a woman's viewpoint and then from a man's. After I was satisfied, I passed the questionnaire out to my sample group and tabulated the results. As an example, here are the first two questions on the list along with the responses:
QUESTION: If a woman masturbates in the office while thinking of a coworker, is she cheating on her husband/boyfriend?
RESPONSES: Three men said yes, one said no and one was undecided. Two women said yes and fifteen said no.
QUESTION: If a man masturbates in the office while thinking of a coworker, is he cheating on his wife/girlfriend?
RESPONSES: Four men said no and one (the same one) was undecided. The same two women said yes along with seven additional yeses, and only eight said no.
Throughout the questionnaire the responses were varied between the sexes. Strangely enough, the only questions in which everyone agreed were the last three.
QUESTION: If a woman allows a man other than her husband/boyfriend to put his fingers inside her, is she cheating? [All said yes.]
QUESTION: If a man allows a woman other than his wife/girlfriend to wrap her hand around his member, is he cheating? [On this question my one undecided man came up undecided again and everyone else said yes.]
QUESTION: Is oral sex cheating? [All said yes.]
It became apparent that most people thought their partner's mindset was just as important as the physical act. What was not apparent through the questionnaire became clear when I talked to them about their responses. Each of them, when they read the question, was not thinking of some man or some woman, they were putting themselves or their partner into that situation.
Because Lonnie was the initial inspiration behind this whole series of unscientific studies, I feel it necessary to mention her answers. Basically, she answered yes to everything, feeling that touching or even thinking about someone else (man or woman) was cheating. The strange thing was her answer to questions three and four.
3. If a woman masturbates at home while thinking of someone other than her husband/boyfriend, is she cheating on him?
4. If a man masturbates at home while thinking of someone other than his wife/girlfriend, is he cheating on her?
Note that these are basically the same as questions one and two except they take place at home rather in the office and don't mention a coworker. Lonnie said yes to one and two, but she said yes to three and four with the addition of the statement, "If it's someone that she (he) knows." That implies that if her boyfriend is taking care of himself and thinking of one of Lonnie's friends, it's cheating, but if he's thinking of J Lo it's okay. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to reach her to clarify that point before I had to finish this article.
After doing all that work I realized that all I had accomplished was to compile a bunch of boring statistics. If you've read any of my previous articles you'll know that just ain't my style, so I tried to figure a way to make the results more interesting. Thus, the interviews.
All of these interviews were done when I was managing a bar and most of the subjects were customers with whom I had a close relationship over the years. I was sitting in the bar one evening nursing a beer when Corinne came in for her shift as bartender and I remembered that she was in a rather strange situation. Corinne has three jobs: all blatantly sexual. Daytime she works in a massage parlor; evenings she tends bar for me; and weekends she works as a stripper. I managed to get her to talk to me about it along with her husband.
In the massage parlor it is EXPECTED that she will give hand jobs. Nothing else is supposed to be allowed, but all the men are brought to full release. At the bar we EXPECT her to wear skimpy clothing in an overt attempt to keep men coming back. At the strip club (topless only) she is EXPECTED to give lap dances to patrons. The men are not permitted to touch her in any way but she has to sit on their laps and grind her crotch against them.
As we spoke, she admitted, "Sometimes I actually get turned on while I'm dancing. It's rare, but I even have an infrequent orgasm."
"Just dancing?" I asked.
"Well, not the regular dancing, but when I do a lap dance."
Fred pointed out, "Sometimes she comes home from work so horny she nearly attacks me." He paused to look at her and then went on, "Other times she comes home completely turned off by men."
Fred has no problem with it because they both know the ground rules. She is working in a sexual environment; she will normally be touching men as part of her job; and at the end of her shift she will be home to sleep with him. In this case Corinne was doing something sexual but Frank was okay with it.
While we were talking Corinne admitted that the girls at the massage parlor were allowed, and even encouraged, to occasionally use their tongue or lips to help clients. Fred got a little upset about this until Corinne admitted further that when she first started working there she had often finished clients with her mouth. Fred really got pissed then. As he started talking about her "infidelity," she shut him up by reminding him that her mouth wasn't exactly a virgin when they met. "Do you think you're the first or only man to ever be in my mouth? For God's sake, I was like most girls, my first ten or so sexual experiences were blowjobs."
As it turned out, Fred was not particularly worried about the ejaculate getting all over Corinne's hands because he knew she washed afterwards. So why make a big deal about the thought of her getting it on her lips or tongue (or in her stomach)? She's going to wash them as well. Disease? Possible, but if she has an open cut or sore on her hand she can still catch something.
It seems that, for Fred, it was just hearing Corinne talk about doing something with another man. He knew what she did for a living - he just didn't want to hear any details about it.
A few days after our talk Corinne mentioned June and Hugo and later arranged for me to talk to them. This couple has been married for six years and they regularly visit a swingers' club. In any one such visit June ends up having sex with five or six different men, frequently in all three orifices, sometimes all at the same time. Hugo will normally have sex with two or three women. Protection? Absolutely, except when they're doing the oral action. Occasionally one will wander over and watch the other doing it with a stranger. Neither of them considers this cheating because they are both there enjoying themselves and they both enjoy seeing their partner being pleasured.
June admitted to a touch of jealousy once. "There was this one woman who did it with Hugo twice one night and, on our next visit, she grabbed him as soon as we got there."
I asked, "I don't understand, what's wrong with that?"
Hugo explained, "The whole purpose of the club is to have sex with different people. It's kinda understood that you don't do the same person twice in a visit."
Holding hands, they looked at each other then Hugo continued, "Anyway, somehow she got our phone number and called a couple days later and wanted to meet with me. You have to understand, if I'm going to screw someone else, then June's going to be there to watch."
"Or take part," June interjected.
"Yeah, oh yes. She's always welcome to jump in. This girl just wanted to do it with me." They both agreed, "That's where we draw the line. That would be cheating and we never cheat on each other."
With these two, cheating does not involve the actual sex act. The key here is the agreement between them. He just watched his wife do another man, but in Hugo's mind it wasn't cheating because he knew about it and was able to watch or even join in.
I have occasionally heard of couples who have "open" relationships in which they date others and even call their partner while they're physically involved with their date. I was unable to find such a couple with whom to talk, but I'll accept the fact that it does happen.
How about a man married to (or dating) a porno actress? He knows that all day some other guy (or two or three) is having sex with his partner.
Living in Southern California I realize that there is a major porn industry here, but our particular community is rather conservative and I was somewhat surprised to learn that we had a full-time porn studio not ten miles from my house. I discovered this one afternoon when Corinne brought Brad and Tracey in to talk to me.
When we got into it, Brad had this to say about their situation: "I knew what she did for a living. That's how I met her. I was building sets at the studio. I watched her on her first day and saw how nervous she was. Even though the studio required full protection and didn't allow any bodily fluids to be exchanged, she was still uptight about it."
They started dating and, during their third date, they did some pretty heavy petting. "We made out for about thirty-five minutes," Tracey told me. "I was actually starting to feel horny, until I thought about the fact that I had been screwing for close to two hours that day and Brad had even watched part of it. I just couldn't do it with him that night.
"I only work one or two days a week but those are six-hour days, and nearly every day ends with me getting a facial, what they call the 'money shot.' So I'll usually spend a minute or so on my knees watching a guy jerk off until he finally squirts all over my face or boobs. Sometimes it's a body shot. The guy does me until he's ready, then pulls it out, strips off the rubber, and shoots all over my stomach or butt."
I had to interrupt and ask, "When you're doing all these different guys, are you really into it and enjoy it, or do you just think of it as a job?"
"I try to keep myself out of it and just pretend to be enjoying it. Sometimes, I really do have a particularly good partner and I'll have a real climax. But, that's rare."
I couldn't help asking, "So, with all this practice you have with faking orgasms, do you do that with Brad?"
She reached over to stroke his leg and said, "Believe me, Al, that's one problem I don't have with Brad." She paused long enough to kiss Brad on the cheek, then continued, "The days I have to do anal are bad enough because I really hate that, but what I really hate are the DPs." She paused then continued, "DP is double penetration and can mean either a guy in the front door and one in the back, or two guys in either the front or back at the same time."
"Yeah," Brad piped up, "That burns me because she won't ever let me in the back door, but she'll let two strangers do her there."
"Honey, it's just a job. Don't I always come home to you at night?"
And that was their story. Not long after I started writing this article I heard that Tracey is retiring from porn because she's pregnant and she and Brad are getting married. Good luck, guys.
In order to change the directions, let me say that I never knew people actually had sex every day. With both my first and second wives we had sex two or three times a week - until we got married. Then it was once a month if I was lucky.
So, when I started dating Danielle I was initially shocked that she wanted to do it nearly every day. And, if we missed one or two days during the week, we made up for it by doing it eight or ten times over the weekend.
She was only five years younger than I but her capacity for sex was astounding. One night we did it four times and the last time I couldn't keep going. After nearly forty-five minutes I had to call it quits. I dug out a vibrator we kept beside the bed and watched her spend another fifteen minutes taking care of herself. I never asked her what or whom she was thinking about while she was doing that.
About eight months after we got married I had to go out of town for three days. There was no way I could take her on the trip and it was the first time we'd been separated overnight. When I got home we immediately jumped into bed and afterward she dropped a bomb.
Our apartment complex was very safe and we often left the front door open just like all of our neighbors did. Everyone was used to walking up to an open door and just yelling, "Hey, anyone home?" She explained that the second day I'd been gone she got horny and pulled out the vibrator. She said she was fifteen minutes into it when she looked up and saw our neighbor standing in the bedroom door. He said something about the door being open and he yelled and he thought he heard her say something, so he came in. "I was really into it," she told me. "I guess he heard me moaning and thought I was telling him to come on in. For whatever reason, I was almost there so I ... well I just went ahead and finished. With him standing in the doorway watching." She said that was all that happened and I believed her.
Was she cheating? Physically - no. Mentally - I never asked if she was thinking about him or me or someone else while she took care of herself. Until I started writing this I never thought about it, but I now think that if she had been thinking of him I probably would have considered it cheating.
So far I've only interviewed people regarding the physical side of cheating. But the last story about Danielle brings up the mental component of cheating (which brings us back to the questionnaire). Analysts are constantly pointing out that nearly everyone fantasizes during sex. Sometimes about their partner, sometimes not. I honestly don't remember ever thinking of someone else when I was with a woman. If I did it was obviously not memorable. I have thought about my partner doing it with someone else, but it always involved whatever woman I was with at the time.
So, just what was Danielle thinking about that day while she took care of herself with the neighbor watching? I never asked because I knew she would have told me the truth and I don't know if I was ready for that. Suppose she said she had fantasized about having the neighbor come in and help her with the vibrator?
It's a turn-on, right? Watching your wife or girlfriend pleasure herself - but what is she thinking? I know some men who found out their partner fantasized about another man while taking care of themselves. They were hurt and then mad.
Maybe it's the intimacy. If you're "making love" you're supposed to be sharing your most intimate moment with your lover and not thinking of someone else. If you're just "fucking," who cares what you're thinking about?
Along these same lines, is phone sex cheating? Again I didn't have to talk to anyone for this answer. I was just recently going over the phone bill and saw eight or ten calls to a number I didn't recognize. Some of them were forty-five minutes long.
"What's this number?" I asked my girlfriend, Cathy.
"Oh, that's George."
"Who's George?"
"Oh, you don't know him. He's a guy I have phone sex with."
Okay, I knew she wasn't a virgin. She had a five-year-old daughter and was living with another man when I started dating her. She was living with him while having both phone and physical sex with me. Maybe that should have told me something about her mindset. Now I was shocked because she was having phone sex with another man while she lived with me.
After I talked to her about it she never did it again. After our discussion she realized that I equated phone sex to cheating and she didn't want to do that.
In my article on lousy sex I recounted a story Diane told me and I'll use that as my final example along with an additional tidbit that she gave me later.
Diane, 52, was relating her worst sexual experience and it crossed into the realm of cheating. "My worst sexual experience? Had to be thirty some years ago. I married my high school sweetie right after graduation. We had been married three or four years when he started bugging me about how he thought it would be neat to watch me have sex with one of his friends. Six months he was nagging me about it until I finally gave in. His friend, call him Ralph, came over a few days later and I was a nervous wreck. I had never had a man other than my husband so that unnerved me; then the thought of having him watch scared the hell out of me. We sat on the couch, had a few drinks, and shared a joint until my husband pushed me over against Ralph. He and I started kissing, then making out, then undressing, going further and further all the time. Ralph was very experienced and gave me a big 'O' ten minutes into it. He looked at my husband and asked, 'You sure about this?' When my husband said yes, Ralph had me get on my hands and knees and, well, started doing me right there on the couch. Another five minutes and I had another big 'O' and was really getting into it. It was feeling so good I actually forgot my husband was there until he suddenly said, 'Okay, that's enough.' Ralph and I both nearly screamed, 'What?' My husband reached over and actually pulled Ralph out of me saying, 'I thought I'd enjoy this, but I just can't stand watching you two.' I was so hot that, after Ralph left, I was nearly begging my husband to take care of me. Not only wouldn't he, but he wouldn't even touch me, sexually, for two weeks and never, ever talked about it."
After they had been divorced some years he finally told her that he felt she had "cheated" on him because she was enjoying the encounter. Even though he had set it up it wasn't cheating until she started enjoying it.
It appears that the concept of cheating is formed by a combination of emotional/psychological factors as well as a physical act. Then there was Cathy's fascination with phone sex. Hmm, maybe other women have had some experience with that. Maybe I'll...
Originally published July 2007 - "Sexy Success"