"In the light streaming from the open window her mammoth ganzongas looked like two white whales, and I was Captain Ahab thrusting my meat harpoon betwix them."
This is an actual excerpt taken from a work of erotic fiction. The writer and publication shall remain nameless.
As a writer reading this passage, I didn't quite know how to respond. At first I burst into uproarious laughter. That then trickled into an uncomfortable silence. I continued to read:
"I gleefully hefted the quivering expanse of her sweater puppets and mashed them around my raging hard-on. She screamed out like a siren and began gushing forth copious quantities of womanly cum. Eyes rolling I followed suit and splashed her face with buckets full of molten man love."
What the fuck? After reading this, I wanted to locate the author and hold his fingers to a belt sander. He should never, never be allowed to hold a pencil ever again. Someone, somewhere might read his words and actually repeat his folly in their bedroom.
This story was grotesque, not for the acts it described, but how they are described.
Sadly, this is not the only odious work of erotic fiction in existence. As an avid reader of blogs, magazines and books I have encountered too many of these literary bugbears. Creating an erotic situation on the printed page is much like initiating one in the bedroom.
It requires delicacy.
It requires carefully cultivated aesthetics.
It requires a damn clue.
When writing about sex DO NOT:
1) Compare parts of the female anatomy to fruits, animals or coins.
2) Compare the genitals of a man to fruits, animals or automotive accessories.
3) Gushing is ONLY for geysers.
4) "Stuff me with cock meat!" "Ram my crevice!" "Cum on my face, Stud!" are not even acceptable phrases in '80s porn. Don't use them in your 2006 writing.
5) Rock hard length. pffftttt....Do I need to even elaborate on all the levels of wrongness encapsulated within this one sentence fragment?
I'm a firm believer it SEXUAL REALISM! As a writer your goal is to deliver your readers to a realistic and sensuous situation.
Not gross them out with visuals that would offend a nymphomaniac on a bad acid trip.
Love,
Phedra
Originally published January 2007 - "Happy Nude Year!"