Free Blow Job Advice
"The Dumb Girl's Guide to Sucking (in a good way)" sex advice from CJ Watson
It's been featured in almost every adult film. And after a few days of dating a guy she met in a dimly lit basement party after downing one too many Long Island Iced Teas, many women don't think twice about substituting the traditional goodnight for a "slob of the knob," as thy call it in the hip-hop world. Assuming the position - in this case, on your knees - is as big a part of a some couple's sex life as cuddling, communicating, connecting, conversing and all the other c-words that men have no interest in, unless they're followed by -unt.
Lick by K.D.
Sadly, some of us are as good at giving our significant others a blowjob as Connie Chung is at singing "Thanks For The Memories," which is not a good thing. In defense of sisterhood, let me be the first to say that I blame men for their wives'/girlfriends'/mistresses' deformed oral capabilities. I've got proof. Occasionally, boredom leads me to the forbidden world of late-night talk radio, as if having to listen to people talking every weekday morning from 6 to 10 isn't punishment enough.
At any rate, I was listening to "Loveline with Dr. Drew." Drew was left flying solo after Adam Carolla ditched him in favor of the aforementioned morning chat-fest circuit. Since two became one, Drew has been working a series of guest co-hosts, including David Alan Grier, one of the chicks from the Scream movies and a bunch of recovering druggie heavy metal rock groups only heard of by bi-polar teenagers...and punk rockers, of course. I'd like to tell some of these rockers that their penis doesn't make them an authority on what every man likes. "Just flick your tongue on it, he'll love it," one of the guest rockers told a virgin dick-sucker who'd called the show for advice. "Just flick." That's what he said.
I'm not denying that most contact with your man's dick is welcomed attention, provided that the contact isn't coming in the form of an ol' kick in the sack. Yet to say that following the formula (pull out dick, jerk dry dick, flick head with moist tongue, repeat) is going to have the same affect as an old-fashioned, eye-watering, slurpy, sloppy, deep-throating blowjob is just ridiculous. Glad I got that off of my chest. Now do you see why it's the man's fault that a lot of women suck at sucking?
If you're not yet a valedicktorian of dick sucking, have no fear. Climax is possible for both you and your man if you set the circumstances up correctly and go into it with an intense level of calm. Comfort is paramount. If you don't want to be down there, trust me, he knows, and there's nothing worse than a half-hearted blowjob. If you don't want to give him head, there's a simple solution.....DON'T. For everyone else, there's the Dumb Girl's Guide.
Assume the Position
Let's begin with positions. There's more ways to get his penis into your mouth without getting into the traditional hands and knees stance. This aspect may be more important than you think. For starters, being on your knees doesn't always allow the cock to fit into your mouth as you'd want it to, not to mention that bare knees and a cold floor mix like oil and water.
Instead, try giving him a blowjob while he's lying back on the bed. In this position, you get to lie between his legs and wax him, resting your knees, relaxing and getting more of him into your mouth.
There's always the timeless sixty-nine position. You both give each other the pleasure of tongue and mouth at the same time, with you on top and the man, typically, on the bottom. In recent years sixty-nine seems to have lost some of its steam, but that can be replaced by having your man insert a finger...or two into your ass for increased pleasure. But I digress.
Finally, if you have a bed big enough for a King, why not take advantage of it? Try lying back, close to the edge of the bed and dip your head off the mattress - be sure to relax your neck. Have your man stand over you, and let him dip his dong in and out of your mouth. It's sort of difficult to reach the nuts from there (unless he dips those in your mouth too), but you'll have plenty of opportunities to diddle yourself with your free hands.
There's too many oral positions to name, for fun try to find one of your own.
So...How's It Done?
I remember as a teenager being totally mortified with the idea of having someone's penis in my mouth. The whole idea was just bizarre to me. How would it fit? (I do have big teeth you know.) What if I bite him? Although I knew that I wasn't supposed to "blow" on it, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do.
So here's the nitty gritty; the unvarnished truth (the facts that I couldn't find a single article on when I was seventeen). Rule number one, never let the teeth touch his dick unless you want him to sock you in the arm by reflex or unless he asks you to gnaw him. Novice blow-workers should tuck their lips over their teeth to avoid unsightly occurrences.
Begin by slowly licking the shaft up to the head and gingerly take him into your mouth. Make your mouth watery - you want to give him a blowjob with lots of saliva. Go down on it slowly, taking as much in as possible, and come up at moderate speed. Don't over do it, or you won't like the results (which might just be that BLT you had for lunch landing on his private and mid-sections...kinda kills the mood). It's important during all of this to pay attention to his reactions. Men aren't as good at faking as we are, so if his eyes aren't closed or he isn't murmuring four letter words.
Another tip: spit on his dick and then jerk it with your hand. While jerking, do a little deep sea diving down to his balls...and below. You know how much you hate it when he spends all of sixty seconds manipulating your nipples? They're so sensitive, you just want to scream, "Nipples need more than sixty seconds of love!" Think of his balls as man-nipples - they love attention. While jerking his wet cock, lick his balls; one by one take them into your mouth, he'll love it.
Let me give you a little 411 on male anatomy. There's a fold of skin between the balls and his butt that is highly sensitive. Lick it. Another male pleasure zone is the underside of the dick. Flick that with your tongue (I guess flicking comes in handy after all).
Which brings us to deep throating. In all honesty, taking your main squeeze all the way into your mouth is varsity level oral sex; meaning that it takes a few sloppy b.j.s to get to this level. Going from riding the bench to being a deep-throating player is a matter of controlling the gag reflex. Right on your grocer's medicine aisle is a remedy for that naughty g.r: Chloraseptic and other sore throat sprays and drops relax the gag reflex, making it easier to get things down there. If you haven't reached the level of deep-throating yet, don't be discouraged, you can all but make up for that with some enthusiastic mouth play.
For The Grown and Sexy
Let's not beat around the bush, just like fucking, oral sex can become dull after the 250th installment. So when things start getting a little dull, put the flavor back into it with a new twist. There's The Hoover, in which you take your man's shlong into your mouth with the suction of a vacuum cleaner and then release in the same fashion, only slowly.
There's also The Tingler. It isn't a roller coaster but it's about as exciting as it sounds. Insert him into a mouth full of mouthwash, don't swallow of course, but let it drip out of your mouth while you go down on him. The mouthwash tingles just the way it does in our mouths and the only thing hotter than a sloppy b.j. is a tingly one.
For deep-throaters, there's the option of taking him into your throat and humming a tune while he's all cozy in there.
The Man Juice
In most cases, if you've done the job right, this guy is going to explode...in the good way. Since semen doesn't taste like a large pepperoni from Pizza Hut (even if he just had one), most of us get him right to the peak of "I'm cu-" before we remove our mouths and head for the hills. You don't have to swallow it, but at least take it in the mouth. Move while he's pre-orgasm and you'll never hear the end of it. Do it right and you'll never hear the end of it, but the tone will be entirely different.
Originally published August 2006: Sweat
Published with permission from author on OystersandChocolate.com. Copying or reprinting this work in part or in whole without permission is illegal.